THOUGHTS OF HIM....

i thought of him. wondering if he was thinking of me. Afraid that he was, afraid that he was not. If he was that was not good because then we were both on the same page of a book that should not be read, could not be opened, not even purchased by preview. If he was not, than i would be shattered thinking of all the hours his smile had popped up in my mind, wondering what he was doing at that time. I wish I could go back to a couple months ago when this wasn't an issue. Now I cry out of confusion every now and again… damn where's the tissue. I wish I never knew you----i take that back. But I wish the desire to get to know you again would fall from my spirit. Take a trip in the toilet with the rest of the bullshit in my life.....Is that mean???? Cause… I'm not trying to be, but this fixation is taking over me and I can't control it - lust sick over so much more than a dick...my mind is playing tricks....and i just want it to shut- the- fuck- up! And when my mind is finally silenced from the things I'm running from, my heart speaks up out of it's peaceful slumber and takes over. I never listen to my heart though. Those transactions have been temporary put out of service from the multiple dis-service that it continued to bring. Now it wants to sing - a new song. Just leave-me-the-fuck-alone. Love doesn't live here anymore....if it ever has, so what difference do you think this transaction will have?????....wait....he called. Mind says don't answer....heart said fuck me.....i answer the phone, filled with joy yet reservation that he thought enough of me to call. Filled with sadness because now we're both stuck- with an unapparent desire for each other – to go down the same road - that is soooo inconvenient for both of our lives right now. But I don't care - the thought has ended - the conversation continues because I want to talk to him.......hey babe!!! I've been thinking of you to.............................................................. and I wanted to say >>>> NIGGA fuck you. You dumb as bastard, how dare you come into my life again when you’ve been such a coward. You make me sick…with your fine face and good dick, so full of shit. Think I can go years without you and you come out of nowhere to get some of this. You must be fooled. I’m glad you called because the phone ringing made me snap out of my day dreaming- dreaming of how you made me feel. So open you had me but that mess wasn’t real. Yet…it did feel sooooo good. You put it on me like only you could. Had me mo wet than any other as I surrounded your love stick. Don’t you miss how I used to ride it? Titties bouncen – I can hear you beggen for more right now. But anyway that was back in the day ain’t no more goodies for you – you damn goon. Yeah I’ll see you soon and I’ll say the same shit in your face. I said as I slammed the phone shut and placed it next to me. Playing hard to get- hardly, I know he wants me and I’m trying to convince myself that I don’t want him just as much. So I’ll sit here in wonder and keep playing love hate games until he arrives. And pray that I have enough self control not to take that dive. I have so much to lose right now gaining a moment of pleasure with him. He calls back. I laugh – ha!, nah you won’t get this ass. Or will he? Sad I can’t even answer that question honestly to myself. But I know I can’t stand him. Nevertheless, he won cause through all my back and forth emotions I still thought of him. Giving him at the least a slight chance to get back in. We will see at the end for the flesh is so weak to sin. Bastard!! – but I smile as I say it though….as I thought of him…..