Finding the Div-ine In Diva

THOUGHTS OF HIM....

2009-08-04T11:31:00.001-05:00

i thought of him. wondering if he was thinking of me. Afraid that he was, afraid that he was not. If he was that was not good because then we were both on the same page of a book that should not be read, could not be opened, not even purchased by preview. If he was not, than i would be shattered thinking of all the hours his smile had popped up in my mind, wondering what he was doing at that time. I wish I could go back to a couple months ago when this wasn't an issue. Now I cry out of confusion every now and again… damn where's the tissue. I wish I never knew you----i take that back. But I wish the desire to get to know you again would fall from my spirit. Take a trip in the toilet with the rest of the bullshit in my life.....Is that mean???? Cause… I'm not trying to be, but this fixation is taking over me and I can't control it - lust sick over so much more than a dick...my mind is playing tricks....and i just want it to shut- the- fuck- up! And when my mind is finally silenced from the things I'm running from, my heart speaks up out of it's peaceful slumber and takes over. I never listen to my heart though. Those transactions have been temporary put out of service from the multiple dis-service that it continued to bring. Now it wants to sing - a new song. Just leave-me-the-fuck-alone. Love doesn't live here anymore....if it ever has, so what difference do you think this transaction will have?????....wait....he called. Mind says don't answer....heart said fuck me.....i answer the phone, filled with joy yet reservation that he thought enough of me to call. Filled with sadness because now we're both stuck- with an unapparent desire for each other – to go down the same road - that is soooo inconvenient for both of our lives right now. But I don't care - the thought has ended - the conversation continues because I want to talk to him.......hey babe!!! I've been thinking of you to.............................................................. and I wanted to say >>>> NIGGA fuck you. You dumb as bastard, how dare you come into my life again when you’ve been such a coward. You make me sick…with your fine face and good dick, so full of shit. Think I can go years without you and you come out of nowhere to get some of this. You must be fooled. I’m glad you called because the phone ringing made me snap out of my day dreaming- dreaming of how you made me feel. So open you had me but that mess wasn’t real. Yet…it did feel sooooo good. You put it on me like only you could. Had me mo wet than any other as I surrounded your love stick. Don’t you miss how I used to ride it? Titties bouncen – I can hear you beggen for more right now. But anyway that was back in the day ain’t no more goodies for you – you damn goon. Yeah I’ll see you soon and I’ll say the same shit in your face. I said as I slammed the phone shut and placed it next to me. Playing hard to get- hardly, I know he wants me and I’m trying to convince myself that I don’t want him just as much. So I’ll sit here in wonder and keep playing love hate games until he arrives. And pray that I have enough self control not to take that dive. I have so much to lose right now gaining a moment of pleasure with him. He calls back. I laugh – ha!, nah you won’t get this ass. Or will he? Sad I can’t even answer that question honestly to myself. But I know I can’t stand him. Nevertheless, he won cause through all my back and forth emotions I still thought of him. Giving him at the least a slight chance to get back in. We will see at the end for the flesh is so weak to sin. Bastard!! – but I smile as I say it though….as I thought of him…..

Struggling To Hold On To Me

2008-11-29T17:10:00.002-06:00

I struggle with depression and general anxiety. In the last six months it has been harder to manage. The reasons? Some of it is life in general ..some of it is the breakup with Casanvova Brown. I have done the medication and the counseling and overall I have been doing well.

The on slaught of the holidays appears to be kicking my emotional ass and, I hate it. I have become a pro at putting on a fine face for my public and, reserving my complete unraveling to my bedroom. Lately, however my unraveling moments are starting to spill out to my "sane" life. I am not sure why and, I would like to blame it all on the abscence of Casanova Brown but, there would be some lying involved in that.

This weekend I have held on to my sane thoughts with both hands. Constantly, recounting to myself the abundant blessings that God has rained down on me to counteract the negative thoughts that bombard me. Even in my sleep.

Being analytical is to someone who is depressed is like giving a gun to killer or crack to an addict. My drug of choice is defintely is a barrage of negative useless thoughts. I seem to be drowning in them.

It seems that I am having a harder time keeping my head above water. My thoughts clear and my anxiety under control. Nothing serious or fatal. I am just worried that one day my head will fall below the depression water line and stay there. I don't want to get stuck in depression. I want and need to have a real handle on life not the fake one I bring out to fool the masses.

Casanova Brown after months of praying that if he would just let go I would too. Now that he is I am silently becoming undone. It seems he was my last physical anchor. I know the whole God is my anchor but, we all need. Well, something tangible. But, the benefits of letting him go far outweigh the benefits of holding on to him. My sane minds knows that. My depressed heart five months later is trying to figure it all out. Time heals all wounds. We shall see

Right now life is about pushing uphill. The key to keep on fighting is to well keep on fighting. But, I need tips on how to funtion with this whole depression anxiety thing.

So if you have any tips holla back.

SHE BUST THE WINDOWS OUT YOUR CAR

2008-10-03T01:10:00.004-05:00

Dear Mr. No Damn Good,

Let me start this off by saying this. That shit hurt didn't it. Watchin' her tear up your pride and joy. The sound of the bat to the metal of your car. The crunch of the shattering windshield under her foot. The giant ass dent her foot left. The pain of paying cash to replace that shit because you don't have no damn insurance. It hurt didn't it. Yet it still doesn't come close to the damage you did to me.

I feel like a bit of liar because I have been playing your "friend" during this whole ordeal. Truth is if even though I can't stand the heffa part of me wants to thank her for that complete display of foolery the other night. I never could do the "ghetto city players" with your ass. But, she of course has no problem. Isn't that what you said you liked the "excitement". How excited did your ass get when she hit your shit with that bat. Hmmm. I saw the look of excitement on your face when you had to shell out 200.00 for a new phone. Was that exciting enough. Or the pure joy you had from all your being shit packed in your car like a freaking nomad. Remember when you actually had a home. When we had a home. Shit two homes.

Yea, I listened to you pour your heart out in your little tale of "The Hood War Of The Roses". Trying to act like you are proud of your behavior. So you beat her down like a nigga. Funny weren't you just fucking her like she was your chick? The smirk on your face as you gave me the literal blow by blow. All I could think is what a dumb ass you are. You threw away four years..almost five for this non sense. I looked at you trying to find a shred of the man I thought you were when I fell in love with you. I can't figure out if you smoked and drank him away or if he was never there. I am gonna go with never there.

My favorite part was when you said this was all behind me. She was jealous of "us" the life we had together. That we still had "business" remants of our life together things in each other names and what not. She couldn't handle that you were"still in love with me". Like I couldn't handle that you couldn't stop fucking her.. I mean.. that you were in love with her. What a tangle web we weave. You know I don't believe that shit right??!!

I acted like I cared while I sat in the emergency room with you as you got your tetanus shot from her bite.What that was to freaky for you? Isn't that what you like about her that she could get down like I couldn't? She was a nigga.. right? She could drink and smoke like one..My bad guess she could fight like one too. Damn that shit ain't sexy now is it? No wonder you texted and called me every night you could begging to comeback "home". Damn it man she bit all the way through the ear. Well, that explains some it her jaws are hella strong. However, I do appreciate this: You taught me how to master the skill of faking like I gave a fuck. But, I don't. Not a damn bit.

I didn't care how she treated you. How embarrassed you were about her antics in public that got you thrown out of public places. I didn't care how much the repairs are gonna cost you and, as you were talking I realized I no longer cared even if you went back.

I want so badly to feel bad for what she did to you. To dig deep down inside and find the person that I use to be and muster up some compassion for the bullshit of a life you picked but, I can't. You killed every shed of compassion for you I ever had. No, not every shred or I wouldn't be here. See in the end I'm just not you. I have a heart. After you heal you should consider a trip to The Wizard you could use one. But, you and both know you called me because you ain't got no friends. Did she run them off too? Although, I wish no ill will to you. I can't say now that you haven't gotten a taste of karma that I'm not happy. Because, under my Xanax induced mind set. I find pure joy.

Oh, yes your pleas of how you fucked up. Made the wrong choice and it never was "all that I thought it was". See the fact that it was at all is enough. Was enough to lead you to where you are today. Was enough to look at you behind eyes of disappointment and disgust. And ask myself WTF was I doing all this time?

We were never truly meant to be..not really. I can accept that part. I can even accept that being with you in itself was my own karma coming back to me from the dirty sins of my past. But, I am amazed. Fucking amazed that you believe I care that you don't have place to lay your head. Can you go where? Home? Whose home? No, dude. That door has long closed for you . Or, that your gangsta"you know me. I'm gonna be alright" bullshit makes me think you are ..well normal. But, what amazes me the most is your sheer stupidity.

I did enjoy the simpleton explanation of how she is crazy. She has "mental issues". Hmmm.. you threw away a house, our kids, our life for sitting in the ER...your car busted up and the sheer madness of her and she is the nut. Maybe, that is where I missed it. Had I treated you like shit. Beat your ass. Threw shit at you when you came home. Cussed you out... cheated on you. You probably would have stayed. Then you would have been happy.

I hate the curse that I will probably always love you. Love the parts of us that at times were absolutely perfect even if they were a lie. I hate that forever when I hear your name my heart with flutter just a little. I hate that there will be times that I will get lost in memory that was you and I. I hate that when my daughters experience their first true broken heart( heaven forbid) when I tell them I know how it feels I will touch my heart and remember you. I hate that even now as I write this months after we broke up I tear up when my mind and heart linger a little to long over you. I hate that because of you I can't stand the name of Asian countries and for at least right now. I hate that you didn't leave me as you found me. Whole. Every morning I wake up I hope that you left me a text telling me you moved to a different state in the middle of the night. At times it seems that the entire state is just too small for the both us. I even hate that I just wasn't ghetto enough to tear your shit up myself. I hate that when you called to tell me I didn't respond with Fuck you and your precious Caddy.

But, what I hate most of all is that you got off lucky. See your windshield got shattered and although that is gonna cost you a nice chunk of change. I am still sweeping of the pieces of my shattered heart. I don't have the privilege of getting new one and acting like it never happened like you did with your windshield. Yea, I am glad she busted up your car.. just out of the sheer shallowness of it all. But, really it did little to nothing for my broken heart AND, I am sure it did little to nothing for her broken heart either.

I hope you get it together. If for no other reason..just so your ass can live. The wrong one can mess around and make you a bad Lifetime Movie. I have accepted the fact you will never change. But,I pray that I am wrong. Being a hoe and liar is just who you are. But,if somehow I am wrong. Try and do better.Live better. Be smarter. So you can have something to pass down to your beautiful children besides how to be an asshole.

....Me

Raise Your Hand If You A Grown Woman...urghh or Man

2008-05-27T23:03:00.002-05:00

I am 35 +plus years old and I noticed lately that a new description of myself has popped up. I have been referred to as a grown woman. See I thought all this time I was a grown woman. You know I have lived a little all the usual things that grown folks do I have done. I have check marks next to marriage/divorce, buying/selling a house,good/bad credit ..jobs in management and raising kids all that. But, I had not yet earned my label of being a true "grown woman".

I am not to upset because it seems I am in good company. My favorite cut on Ms. M.ary J. B.lige's new CD "Breakthrough" is Grown Woman by her and Ludacris. Seems Mary has just earned her new label too.

So what makes us grown. Is it actual age.. you know the number? I don't think so. Is it life and it's experiences ? Not all the time.

I can speak to what made me grown. At least I think has made me grown.

Being grown is taking responsibilities for your actions good or bad.
It's learning how to make choices on fact and emotion. Not just emotion.
It's knowing when life is too big and too hard and that God is bigger than all that.
It's learning how to get on bended knee...everyday.
Being grown is thinking about someone other than yourself and meaning it.
It's knowing loving your kids it's always spoiling your kids and there is a such a thing as tough love.
It's knowing that sometimes you have to save yourself so that there is enough "self" to share with others.
Being grown is knowing finding someone to really love you is hard and, can not be taken lightly.
It's learning to love the biblical way.
Being grown is thinking about the future not just yours but, your children' and your children's children etc.. and making the right choices accordingly.
It's knowing some things really are best left unsaid.
AND...everything is worth praying over.
Being grown means accepting life's bumps and bruises while knowing this too shall pass.. fo real.
It's knowing, understanding, loving and caring the man in the mirror and seeing not what you see but, what God's see.
It's knowing your worth and , not accepting anything less.

Now of course, there is so many more definitions of being grown.
In fact I challenge you please..

Post for me in the comments "WHAT IS YOUR DEFINITION OF BEING GROWN".

Is it possible to be "WE" before I figure out"ME" ?

2008-05-25T21:50:00.002-05:00

We have all heard the old adage... How can I love someone else if I don't love myself"?

How true is that really?

In the last few months I have been especially observant of how reckless we all can be with someone else's heart. It seems so easy to abuse the feelings of others. I wonder if some of that
stems from the abuse we do to ourselves.

Now a days everybody and their momma is suffering from low self esteem. There are pills,
counselors and support groups that exist to help solve this problem. Low self esteem has ended
lives, caused divorces and created wars. But, in the words of the comedian Katt Williams" Self esteem is your esteem of self. " We seem to go through life wanting someone else to help us
fix it to make us feel worthy of their love and worthy of ours.

I had a talk with a friend the other day and commented during our conversation that I didn't
think she was in love with her husband. Her response was "I am trying." When I the conversation ended I continue to think about her response of I am trying. Was the problem really her trying to love him or her trying to love herself to feel she was worthy of his love?

Self esteem is so fragile. It can be shattered so easy. In some of us easier than in others. It can also be hidden behind over self confidence and anger.

The purpose of self esteem in a relationship.. well good self esteem is to show the other person who you wish to be loved and vice versa. So much so that when I don't feel all that good about myself that I can see the good parts in my partner and remember who I can be or who I was whatever the case is.

My relationship of four years has recently ended(no I am not sure for how long). But, the underlining issues was self esteem. I had to much to allow certain behaviors to continue. He didn't have enough to see himself as the incredible person I saw him as. Minues the abuse and anger.

It goes back to the beginning statement. Maybe, I can 't really love someone else if I don't love myself. Because, well I simply cannot recognize real love.

For those of you who are in a relationship and you are struggling. It feels like Usher's new song like "Moving Mountains." Stop and take some time to work on yourself. The answer could lie wit h you and your "esteem of self"

In Sync

2008-04-24T14:36:00.001-05:00

I had no idea how long I had been sitting there, quietly in the dark staring at him, watching him sleep. I don’t even remember what woke me up initially. Was it a sound in the house? Was it the absence of his skin against mind as he shuffled over to his side of the bed? I don’t know. But, there I was watching him sleep so soundly. The light from the moon shining in the window slightly up the room just enough for me to see the glistening of the ring on his third finger left hand. The room was still. It seemed that had stared at him so long that my breathing pattern now matched his. Noticing that my chest rose slightly when his did and fell along with his I thought we are perfectly in sync.

The thought made me laugh at myself and I whispered “Perfectly in sync”. Just then I looked down at my third finger left hand and watched as a glimpse moonlight flashed the diamond on my wedding band. Being perfectly in sync was the theme of today. There we were lying in bed together so in sync our breathing had the same rhythm ...same beat.

What had been a random joke for me over the past few years some had somehow become reality. I always joked and said that when I got married again it would be without fan fair or celebration. It would simply be a check on my list of things to do that day. You know get milk, go by the dry cleaners, buy cat and dog food, and oh yea get married.

At some point I know there had been some serious conversation leading up to today. But, I can‘t quite remember when the conversations stop being hypothetical and started becoming actual plans. The crazy part it was just as I had said it woudd be. It was simple, quiet and without fanfare.

No family just him and I exchanging vows, making promises, signing our names and going about our day. Well, not quite that matter of fact. We left the courthouse came home and changed for dinner. His sister, my sister in law dropped by but, neither one of us said a thing. I know she saw the rings but, she didn’t ask. She looked at me then him and smiled. Made up some about excuse about forgetting why she came by and left. I am sure to jump on the family super phone to tell everyone.

At dinner we talked about everything but the wedding. We talked about it but there was no giddiness, no rambles of all the plans that lay ahead of us. The only true reference all evening is when he asked me “What would you like to eat Mrs. Jennings.” Oddly, enough hearing him say that made me tear up but, I shook it off and rattled off my order.
We finished dinner off and headed home.

We made love and passed out as usual. But, here I was sitting up watching him sleep breathing in sync. Watching glistening rings with one thought running through my mind .

"What have I done”

Clinton gets the side eye

2008-02-26T13:14:00.004-06:00

Clinton’s camp gets the major side eye for declaring they "are ready to throw in everything but the kitchen sink" OR if you ask me everything including the kitchen sink.

Clinton is past nervous and as my best friend said “ has become an angry black man” about winning Ohio and Texas. She needs these states to close the gap between her and Obama.

I am sure if she could hit Obama in the head with the kitchen sink she would be completely cool with that too. This woman is panic in motion and apparently has no problem showing just how desperate she is to win the nomination.

It causes me to think what kind of President would she be? How would she handle international conflict, making decisions (like going to war or coming out war) that may or may not be popular with the populace? You can’t throw the kitchen sink at everyone. All I can tell so far from Mrs. Clinton is she sweats under pressure and has no problem showing her claws if she feels like her back is against the wall. A typical girl fight move.

Clinton is pissed and scared at the same time and ready to break out into a full windmill on Obama’s head. I am gonna need Mrs. Clinton to not act like me on any given night at the club 4 Henny and apple juices in pissed off because the girl in the bathroom stall is taking to long so I start talking much shit about her and her friend with the bad weave.

Why must she be so ghetto. Why must I? (anyway)

Mrs. Clinton was even quoted saying to Obama “ meet me in Ohio, and let’s have a debate about your tactics and your behavior in this campaign” Isn’t this the equivalent to “meet me outside the club beyotch and we will see who can beat who’s ass” I guess al l that talking about Clinton being the first black President has some truth behind it. Clearly, Mrs. Clinton has picked up on some pimp game of her own. Bad pimp game. But, pimp game just the same.

Truth is, I feel that Hillary is running the chances for future women to run. Showing so much emotion and a clear evidence of her losing her grip does not look good for others that choose to follow in her foot steps.

As stated on T.he T.oday S.how this morning” she is showing true signs of desperation” Desperate doesn’t look good on any o

The Aftermath

2008-02-22T17:31:00.001-06:00

Trina hated that time in their lives. All of it was bad at that time all the lies, the heartache the overall deception. She still struggled daily with the memories of it. The smallest things triggered it. It could be a song she would hear on the radio, a sad song that she used to console herself during that period. Sometimes she would find herself writing out a date on a form at work and her mind would flash back to where they were two years ago on that date. Other times it would be a conversation that started out innocent and somehow it takes a bad turn and they end up almost discussing that time back then. It was an instant mood changer for her it was like a car hitting a brick wall. Leaving just the pieces of the conversation and her heart e scattered on the floor as she abruptly walked away.

Tonight it was a simple trip to the movies.

“Babe” he said as he entered the room.
:
“The movie you want to see is only playing at the Regal show times are 8:00, 8:45..”

In her mind his voice trailed off. She didn’t hear anything past the words The Regal.
There she was stuck on memories of rumors of him being seen there with her. Then the questions began. What theatre did they sit in? How many times had they gone there with out her knowing? What did they order from concessions? Did they hold hands in the movie? Does she talk during the movies? There she was lost once again stuck in the middle of all that pain.

“Babe” did you hear me?

“Huh” she replied.

“The movie. At The Regal? The show times? Did you hear anything I said?” She could hear the irritation in his voice.

She looked over at him and instantly his face changed and he dropped the paper on the floor.

“T, we can’t do this forever. How long will I be on probation? “

Good question she thought. But, she responded with “But, I didn’t say anything.”
She smile a weak half ass smile at him.

“No, but your face says it all. We have to get to the point when that doesn’t overshadow everything that goes on in this house. How long are you going to slap me in the face because I .” he stopped there.

“Because, you cheated? You want me to get past it. But, you can’t even say it.”

“I can say it. I am tired of saying it. I am trying my best. Trina if I didn’t want to be here.”

“Yes, I know” she interrupted. “You wouldn’t be here.”

“Look, I am fine. Pick whatever time and I will be ready to go. I am fine, we are fine and it’s all fine to me” Trina stood up and walked over to Alonzo, kissed him gently on the lips. Leaned back and smiled. “I said we are good. I was thinking about something completely different. You miss read my expression. I am going up stairs to get ready. Holla, when it’s time to leave”

“Humph” he sighed.

Trina’s eyes welled up with tears the second her foot hit the bottom stair. She quickly wiped her eyes just in case he was watching her walk up the stairs. If he saw her crying it would open up a whole can of worms and evening of rehashing of every last detail. A conversation she just did not want to have again.

Just as Trina hit the top stairs he calls out to her.

“Trina.” He shouts. She stops and stands still.

“Yea” She shouts back.

“I really love you”

“Humph” she responds quietly and closes the bedroom door behind her.
.

An evolving author.

2008-02-22T17:26:00.002-06:00

I love to write. If you hadn't noticed. Which is the number one reason I started this blog.

Although, the world provides plenty of juicy material to write about. I often struggle with
airing my perspective on it all.

So I sat down and thought what is it that I really want to do with my blog? I want to write.
PERIOD.

So I am going to do just that. You may get an occasional post of my latest soap box tyrant.
But, I really want to dust off my writing brain and starte sharing with you bits and pieces
of my literary world.

Feel free to comment. Some of the entries my be consistent stories. Some may just be short scenes that are on my mind as I see them right then and there.

Please bear with me while I find my way. If you I write about something you want more of let me know that too.

Who knows maybe this will inspire my first novel.

Thanks

ME

What do you do when it just dont fit???

2008-02-04T19:57:00.000-06:00

We have all face the challenge of out growing things we love. Our favorite pair of Express jeans. That cute polo you held on to from the 12th grade that was once baggy but now grabs your boobs pushing them together and makes them look school girl sexy. The strappy funk me sandals you wore to the club before you had the kids. Now they hurt and although you can actually put them on and wear them as long as no walking is involved. As we out grow things we love we eventually come to peace with them and get new things we may not love as much but they fit. We get new jeans that fit better in the right places with a higher waist and a little more but room. We give up the polo that looks like a baby shirt and replace it with a respectable work appropriated sexy but authorative button down. My point is we move on.

But, what do we do when we outgrow our relationships. When all of sudden for reasons you can't recall the two you just don't fit. You try to figure out who out grew who and when did it happen.
Just like your favorite jeans weren't you just great together a week ago. Now, you are uncomfortable and although you can squeeze into it and make it look like it fits something doesn't feel ...well quite right. Everyday interactions at times feel forced and uncomfortable like when you try to sit down in those now to small jeans.

I still have my favorite Express jeans. Occasionally when a busy life and poor eating habits get the best of me I can wear them. The bliss is temporary I get a couple good wearings. I think I look hot and about the third attempt I have to suck in to try to button them. I fold them up and back in the closet on the shelve they go. Sometimes I even take them out to reminense about all the great times we had. Hmmm..

Relationships are like your old polo or your jeans. When you out grow them it is properly permanent. Since I haven't amde my decision or accepted it. I guess I will keep trying this relationship on to see if it's really tight in the hips and snug on the butt until there is no denying to either one of us it just don't fit anymore. For either one of us.

HAPPINESS IS A MOVING TARGET

2008-01-30T18:54:00.000-06:00

This morning "T.he T.oday S.how" did a piece on happiness. Basically, they had a panel of three people representing three phases of life your 20's,30's and40' s+. Each one gave an argument on the challenges and the possibilities to finding happiness.

The panel surmised that happiness is easier to find after 35 because the closer you get to 40 you just accept that some dreams aren't coming true. You come to accept the challenges that life has thrown your way and you learn the art in finding happiness in simpler things. Sounds like a trip to pleasant hills retirement home to me. One panelist went on to say that marriages are more challenged as you get older because the spark and desire is gone. You are just two old married folks but, affects happiness. In the end what I got from that is happiness is a moving target.

Jennifer Lopez is on the cover of this month's Harper Bazaar. In the article she talks about her life being private now something she learned from her current husband of three years, Marc Anthony. She also said that after two years straight of being in the tabloids she has learned to value pieces of life she can keep for herself like her pregnancy. What I read ( in between the lines) is she is happy. Jennifer is now 38.

The one thing the panel on "T.he T.oday S.how" never mentioned was peace. I believe through my own experiencing happiness comes with peace. Once you come to peace with the person in the mirror scars and all, the road that life has brought you on and the fact that you can actually choose what road you take. You find happiness.

It's hard to find happiness in your 20's you are still sorting out who you are and who you think you are. Measure that against who other people are telling you that you are. Well, that leads to a lot of angst. Not much happiness. All that youthful energy keeps you bound up and riled up. I watch Casanova Brown 10yrs my junior and sometimes I feel sad for him. Although, he has grown a lot in the last six months or so. I can see the makings of man. I also see the struggle of his youth. Still easily riled up. Still struggling with who he wants to be and the image that others have created for him that he feels obligated to live up to. Me. I don't care. You begin to stop caring at 30 by the time you hit 35 you realize that life has way to many challenges for you to add to it. By 37/38 you have been through enough that pieces of life you have survived and the moments of contentment you can experience is worth it's weight in goal. You find peace where you can because in those peaceful times you find happiness. Real happiness. Not associated with bank balances or material possessions. I think that is where Jennifer is.

I disagree with the "T.oday S.how" panelist who said as you get closer to 40 you give up on some of your dreams and you are okay with that. I believe you are able to identify which dreams are truly your own. Which ones will impact your life in the right way and those are the dreams that you pursue.

As far as being unhappy in your marriage. Well,I am not married officially. But, I can say this. I have a peace with my relationship that Casanova Brown doesn't have yet. I have let go of the school girl wishes of will he love me forever, analyzing his every actions and every word. I am ok with being honest with him about my needs and where he misses them. In addition, I don't feel like I have to apologize for the way I love someone or afraid that my love is not enough. I trust God that he will guide me in the area of the heart and the same time I pray I heed his direction when he provides them. I make no excuses for my body or my sexual desire. I don't sugarcoat how and where I want it. When trouble hits I don't brew and analyze it to death.Lately, I find myself working it out in my head and heart then letting him know where I am coming from.
I love him and us. But, can also accept that there may be a day when neither may exist.

I think all that is happiness. .. and peace. Everyday isn't happy. But, everyday I have happy moments. Really the goal is the happy moments to out weight the bad moments. Of course what made me happy today may not make me happy tomorrow. That's ok too. I don't have to make excuses for that either.

I should write "T.he T.oday S.how" and suggest the next time they do a segment on happiness they should have a panel of people who are actually experiencing it.

The Single Mother Shuffle

2008-01-24T21:25:00.000-06:00

I sincerly try to make an effort to not allow myself to get caught up in the challenges of being a single mom. I don't allow myself to get caught up in the woes of why me or if their dad only stepped up to the plate. Overall, I am beyond grateful for all the ways that God allows my world to come together to make up for the fact that my children only have one active parent. I have even(at times) taken pride in how I seem to keep all the balls( well the most important ones) up in the air during my oh so truly skillful juggling act.

But, here lately. I seem to struggle with well all of it. Either there are more balls to keep up or they are getting heavier. The afterschool activities, orthodontist appointments, trips to the emergency room( we will talk about that later),homework and just plain living is getting a bit..
heavy. For the first time I really think since I have been a single mom I am wishing I had another parent. Let's be truthful I wish for another me.

I was talking to my mom yesterday and told her I wanted a wife. She corrected me quickly mind you and said I needed a nanny. Nope I said it right. I need a WIFE. A nanny you have to pay. A wife has to do all this ish for FREE.

The thing about being a single mother for me at least is this. Even if they can't equally carry the load that you do that is fine. But, it would be nice to occasionally have them fill in. You know a pinch hitter. Now that the divas are teens and pre-teens their social calendar is so busy. They always want to go somewhere and when there isn't somewhere they want to got. There is defintely someplace they need to go. Hair appointments, trips to the store, friends house, school games all of that. I actually fantasize about doing NADA.

I could always complain that life isnt' allowing me time for me but , that isn't even my issue. The more I think about it I am sure there are plenty of non single mom with the same grip. I have. I think it was getting up at 5 today and making a 7:3.0 ortho appt working 9 hrs.. shopping for school dance outfits after work..to find out one outfit is too big. So as soon as I sign off I will be sewing in the waist because the store only had two and the I know the other one was to small for
her..

Sorry, this wasn't the best post. I just needed to vent.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!

2008-01-01T23:19:00.000-06:00

Happy 2008 to you!!!!!!!!!

This will be a short post because I am still feeling the effects of ringing in the New Year.

You know the old wives tale. What you were doing at the stroke of midnight is what you will be doing for the next year.
If that is true were you careful about how you chose to ring in the New Year?

So question for you:

What were you doing at the stroke of midnight? How did you welcome in 2008?

My weave makes me itch!!!

2007-12-26T20:24:00.000-06:00

I was going to save my return to the blogging world for New Year's Eve and some deep reflection of my incredible, roller coaster of a year. But, then my weave started itching. Or, to be more specific my very dry, Sahara like flaky scalp under my weave started to itch. Trying my best to ignore the itch and fight the urge to pull it off ( hard to do with a sew in) and throw it across the office at an unsuspecting co-worker I forced my mind to focus on other things. In turn, I accidentally sent myself into deep and reminiscent thought. ..Hold on I'm scratchin.

This year 2007 has been truly my year of growth. I can't remember when if ever I have come to the end of a year just feeling grateful and full of joy. This year I got my smile back and my hope back. I exhaled. I stayed on my knees in prayer learning how to have a relationship with God. I lost a lot emotionally, and materially and gained even more.

Like the codes in The Matrix I can feel my life come together and click in, make sense and I am finding my way. Remember that quote from Diary Of Mad Black Woman"
I am find myself. That's it. I am finding myself." Maybe,even that's not true. I can't honestly say I know the woman I am becoming but I like her.

She is grateful for every tear shed and even feel the horrible bout of heartbreak experienced this year played an amazing part in healing some past hurts.
What doesn't kill you indeed makes you stronger!!!

There were some definite tragedies this year. This year I alone I attended more funerals than I have my entire 37 yrs of life. Death indeed left his calling card
everywhere. He didn't care. I experience lost of people I cared for in the prime of their life all the way to the dusk of the years. Everything from sudden unexplainable sickness to taken life in their own hands and cutting it short by choice. Of course, the loss of my friend Kim who committed suicide hit me the hardest. I think of her daily. I will never forgot what it felt like to pack up her house, to get rid of her things. To stare at the bullet hole in the wall...to clean the blood from her carpet. To try to forget her scent, her laugh her smile and beautiful green eyes. But, I thank her. It was watching her fight with depression and not being able to find a way out besides death that moved me to different choices. To refuse to give in to depression and life woes and fight back.

Fight back I did.

I still have a long way to go. But, I am on my way. I learned where truth and strength comes from. When I feel weak or as if I am drifting or disconnected. I now know what it means to close the door and spend a little quality time with my Father!!!

My children are growing and healthy. Their father joined the military(hey guaranteed child support!!), I love my new job with unlimited overtime and opportunity!!! If you are wondering if Casanova Brown is around still and yes he is. Even there things are good.

With all that I am happy to see 2007 to go. According to the bible 8 is the number of new beginnings. 7 is the number of completions. I am confident in saying I closed a lot of chapters and let a lot go in 07. I no longer feel like I am recovering from life's ..well life. But, instead I am writing a new book altogether.

I have a lot planned for 08. I plan to get my luxury or semi luxury car by my birthday!! I will keep you posted on what wins out.. right now we are looking at BMW's...Benz's or Audi's(they have a good performance record).

I pray a peaceful transition into the New Year for everyone. If you have not yet brought you chapters to an end. Do so before 12/31 so you can embrace

08 THE OFFICIAL YEAR OF NEW BEGINNINGS!!!

BE BLESSED... SEE YOU IN 8!!

Been gone to long!!!

2007-12-26T10:23:00.000-06:00

I have been out of the blogging world for awhile. Well, quite awhile. But, things have been good.. Well, great even.

However, this is just a teaser. I will return to full on blogging come the New Year. If, time permits I may even get a chance to do a wrap up of a very CRAZY 2007!!

I had some problems.. and no one could seem to solve them.

2007-08-30T17:34:00.000-05:00

Right before, I turned white in the 80's(stop acting like I was the only one) I was black with a bubble gum trim.

I will never forget my very first real grown up like concert. It was Luther Vandross's Busy Body tour featuring Debarge. I remember it like it was yesterday and my curl was freshly done, extra springy with those spaces in between from the rods.

Anywoo, that night I fell in love with the soulful sounds of Eldra Debarge. He was far prettier than any man should be with beautiful black blow dried, spritz and curled hair. He was lovely. Oh his smile his smile. His 1000 watt baby tooth riding smile just melted my little 13 yr old heart. I remember thinking "I like it" must have been written by some musical genius with it's flow of poetic lyrics:

I like it.

I like it

I really, really like it.

Adore it

I'm for it

Now come let me enjoy it.

Oh, El. I became a woman that night. My love affair with El continued long past "Rhythm of the Night" and "Who's Johnny". A superstar before his time that is what Eldra was to me.

As an adult he had become the soundtrack to my own adult activities when he sang lead on Quincy Jones' Secret Garden. Who could forget his "OH..OH. we. Oh we. baby". The poor boys that fell victim to that song. OH, Anywoo..

After that I flirted with other light skinneded singers. Christopher Williams, I even had a fling with Chico Debarge. But, none of them held a candle to my Eldra. Oh my Eldra. How he Loved me in a special way.

So I was totally dismayed to find out that my sweet Eldra has come across super duper hard times and has been ARRESTED. YES, arrested.http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070830/ap_en_mu/people_el_debarge

My poor sensitive man is now in the slammer. It makes me sad. What happened to him? It seems like there are enough Debarge's to populate a small country. Please someone tell me why NONE of them could avoid the evils of drugs.

The music business must be a real bitch. It seems that weekly I am reading how some once superstar artist is all cracked out, and hooking it up on someone's main street. I just don't understand with all the crap we listen to today why these musicians who had legit talent aren't being swooped up, dusted off , sobered up and signed. Who can hold a candle to El Debarge today? He may have been girly but he could sing AND write. How in the hell does he not have money when it seems like EVERY Debarge track is the baseline for every good rap song Diddy has ever produced. Diddy alone should bail El out. Sober him up and buy him a house and a ride.

All jokes aside it makes me sad to know those with true talent are all just Eddie Cain's waiting to happen. Will we hear rumors of Chris Brown in 20 yrs being methed out and living in a box wearing old Michael Jackson jackets and pop locking on Venice Beach? We keep sending these fools to rehab that don't want to go, go , go. How about those who would gladly go for one time in the spot light.

So with a heavy heart El joins the ranks of Tevin Campbell, D'Angelo and whoever else you can think of or can't think of until they show up on a mug shot and a gossip blog.

To those in the music industry Instead of living high off their baselines and hooks. Look them up and hook them up. They are the ones that gave you your fake ass career to begin with. And, who knows you just may stop it from being you ...20 yrs from now.

Let's talk about 7-8 and 9

2007-08-30T16:03:00.001-05:00

I have been wildly entertained by folks antics this week. I feel the need to share my insight and random (sometimes unnecessary thoughts) on what is really going on in the world.

Let's talk about this dude. Travis Henry Denver Bronco's #20. As a resident of Denver and a female I feel it is necessary that I share this story with the public. Women in Denver must be aware of his ummm"numbers" . We must avoid at all cost being added to his umm"team". Mr. Henry made nationwide news this week because simply because at the age of 28 he has managed to procreate with 9 different women resulting in 9 different children spread across 4 southern states. He is making a little team of his own. Dare I say a new league. The TFL maybe? Wow.. yea. Let that sink in for a minute. Apparently, Mr. Henry believed when God's commandment to populate the earth was personal request to him alone. And, it only fitting that this story came to light because he has failed to pay child support. Which I totally understand. Clearly, if this brother pays child support and properly supports all 9 of his offspring he would be flat broke. There is no NFL contract in the world that properly support his little football team in the making.

Let's dig deeper shall we. First, it clear Mr. Henry likes to "get around" and do so unprotected. I shudder at the thought of the possible STD cocktail he could be brewing in jock strap. The team attendant should refuse to wash his anything. Demanding he take his stuff home to be washed.

Here are my major concerns about this:

He has not repeat offenders. He doesn't have two with one chick and three with the other. No stories of long term relationships or marriages. NOPE, nine chicks, nine kids. Brotha' is taking hitting and quitting to a whole 'nother level.
Then I think about the ones he sexed and didn't use protection and by the grace of God did not get pregnant. I get sick at the thought of the numbers.
How many I can't use condom excuses can you have at the age of 28. Did he tell each of them a different one. 1. I can't find one big enough 2. It broke 3. I am allergic...dang I run out after three. Maybe, that was the problem.

Then I think about the women:

I can see 1 and 2
I will excuse 3 maybe 4( but that is shaky)
but 4,5 and 6 need a firm conversation. When you ask a brother especially a brotha you hooked up with that plays pro..any sport his history. Isn't one of your questions How many kids do you have? Strike that. I would hope that when you interview any candidate you are even remotely considering sharing your good with "How many kids do you have?" And, when he said 3,4,5..why didn't they say " Hell naw, we can't even hold hands and we sure as HELL can't do it without protection".
Then there is 7,8 and 9. They just don't have no damn excuse at all. No damn excuse.

WOMEN OF DENVER. WE MUST UNITE AND REFUSE TO HELP THIS BROTHER ROUND OUT HIS TEAM..LEAGUE.. I MEAN FAMILY TO AN EVEN NUMBER OF 10. I am sure he dying to spread his seeds in the western states. But, we can show him we are smarter than that.

Seriously, this is pure non sense. I blame not only Mr. Henry but the women he procreated with. His game can't be that tight and there can't be that many women looking at getting knocked up by a pro baller like getting a winning scratch ticket. (I stand corrected apparently there are 9 that have come across Travis Henry's path alone). I am outraged and appalled. I am also embarrassed for him because he ain't got enough damn sense to be embarrassed for himself. I hope he has learned. According to news reports all 9 mommas are lawyering up and seeking support which means it could result in 9 different lawyers across several jurisdictions. To me that all equals a big = Broke sign. Enjoy your new 100,000 chain and your new 100,000 car Mr. Henry. Seems like that may be your LAST taste of luxury for minute. I bet you wish you had spent 10.00 on some condoms now.

Well, I am done. I need to and put on my TRAVIS HENRY IS MY BABY DADDY'S SHIRT.

Today I feel like this:

2007-08-23T15:09:00.000-05:00

I GOT THE JOB...

I PUT IN MY NOTICE TODAY.

LOOK WHAT GOD CAN DO!!!!!!!!!

MEN THE NEW WOMEN

2007-08-22T18:17:00.001-05:00

I saw this commercial the other day for one of the new shows debuting on ABC’s fall line up. In the commercial a group of men are sitting around sharing their individual relationship drama. Then one of the men lifts their glasses to make a toast and announces
“To men.. the new women”.

LOL.. Hell ya!! Men are the new women. I am glad somebody out there knows that besides me. Men are caddy, whinny, self centered, moody and complainers. Their emotions change like the spin of the wheel on Wheel Of Fortune. They always want to talk about some crap and the conversation in the end gets nowhere. What did we spend all that time yapping for if it’s just to stay in the same freaking spot we have been in.

Today Casanova Brown actually said “Lately, you have not been making me feel wanted.” When in the hell did it become my job to make a grown MAN.. I repeat MAN feel wanted?

What do I look like making sure I validate your sensitive feelings you gun toting, hard core, I’ll take a bullet to the chest any day thug. I don’t have time for that. If you are going out then take your ass out. Have good time. I am not going to call and see where you at. For what? You know where you live. What it makes you feel wanted when the others fools women are blowing up their phones asking to them to come home if you were experiencing the same? In the immortal words of CrackHead Whitney..“Hell Naw”.

A man is a man period. His job is to make me feel like a woman. PERIOD. It is not to act like you too have a PERIOD. Dude, at any given time I have THREE little girls in my house. I don’t need anymore estrogen induced emotional roller coasters. I can barely deal with my own.

I don’t want to talk about why you think I fucked up. Just fix it. Lecture me ok. I can do a lecture or two occasionally. But, fix it. I should never have to call you pick me up if I need a ride. Aren’t you the freaking man? Why are you running around with a constant male side kick? Is this your very best girlfriend? Because, I stopped kicking it like that with my inseparable fake cousin when I left HIGH SCHOOL. Now , that shit is just gay and immature.

Urrghh!! What we got into an argument and I hurt your feelings? What are you doing over there in that corner? Licking wounds? What the hell? What happened to manning up?I don’t get it. I wish I did. They don’t make them like they use to is a real understatement. I also realize that this particular problem is not age specific either.

OH. How about their level of gossiping. When I listen to Cassie talk to his boys about the other folks in the posse that aren’t there. MAN… he can far out do any gossip I thought I could conjure up. He can talk about some body dirty draws.. like they were dirty draws and kick it and drink with them that very same night. Like he never said a dang on thing.
I think he gets a hard on at the whisper of some he-say-she say shit going down. It’s not just him I have several girlfriends whose HUSBANDS are the exact same way. AND
Do you know this fool told me I had to stay pretty.. because… he is pretty. BECAUSE HE IS PRETTY…. YES BECAUSE HE IS PRETTY. My girlfriends and I can all talk about our significant others that take longer to get dressed than we do. Yea!!

I LOVE MEN. I really do for as long as I can remember. But, I miss men being men. I miss men being man enough to let me be the woman. I miss men being men enough to put me first to not let me want for anything. Because, men are to provide and protect. I miss men that make women fell wanted, who don’t share feelings and refuse to cry. I miss men who love that I am soft and I smell good not comparing if there skin is as soft as mine(damn metro sexuals). I miss men being manly all the time and the definition of being manly is not you telling me what to do and screwing other women. I am tired of men getting their definition of “being a man” from straight to video black films, rap and music videos.

Maybe, it’s a sign of the times. Maybe, it’s ALL the men being raised by single mothers, grandmothers and big sisters. It’s true a woman cannot teach a man to be a man. And that is why God didn’t not bless me with a son.

I will say it again. I LOVE MEN. I EVEN LOVE MY MAN DEARLY. But, I so dearly miss( can you miss what you have never have) or want to be treated, respected, like a man should. A real man and not the new woman.

Look What God Can Do

2007-08-21T18:22:00.001-05:00

My rent is paid.. almost( well I wont' be evicted)

My girls made it to school with some new clothes and supplies.

My new potential job to called to verify references. (offer on the way!!)

Today was a roller coaster of emotions. But, he handled it all with grace...and mercy..

I am humbled. LOOK WHAT GOD CAN DO

Sometimes I forget.. but today he reminded me..

2007-08-17T13:57:00.000-05:00

God is good.....all the time

Mark 11:24 (New International Version)

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

Thank you Lord for reminding me who you truly are.

I FOUND MY ANTHEM

2007-08-14T10:23:00.000-05:00

Jill Scott is awesome.

Her new song is right on time. Right on time. Check out the You Tube Link.

He May Be A Child Molester But Damn Can He Inspire Greatness

2007-08-09T14:09:00.001-05:00

I needed some inspriation in my life today. Not Godly inspiration but, I can do anything kind of inspriration. While listening to my R. Kelly collection I came across this one. Now I feel like I can do any damn thing.. I .. I believe I Can Fly...
"R. Kelly - The World's Greatest"

I am a mountain
I am a tall tree
Ohhh, I am a swift wind
Sweepin' the country
I am a river
Down in the valley
Ohhh, I am a vision
And I can see clearly
If anybody asks u who I am
Just stand up tall look 'em in the Face and say

[Chorus]
I'm that star up in the sky
I'm that mountain peak up high
I made it
I'm the worlds greatest
And I'm that little bit of hope
When my backs against the ropes
I can feel it mmm
I'm the worlds greatest

I am a giant
I am an eagle
I am a lion
Down in the jungle
I am a marchin' band
I am the people
I am a helpin' hand
And I am a hero
If anybody asks u who I am
Just stand up tall look 'em in the Face and say

[Chorus]
I'm that star up in the sky
I'm that mountain peak up high
I made it
I'm the worlds greatest
And I'm that little bit of hope
When my backs against the ropes
I can feel it
I'm the worlds greatest

[Choir sings with R Kelly]

This week's shallow post

2007-08-08T17:32:00.000-05:00

Does dick do this to you?

Where the hell is Rohan Marley. Somebody should arrest him or at least beat his ass. I just don't understand.

WTF?!!! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN. I NEED TO KNOW..

Somebody.. Anybody..Hello.. Buehler.. Buehler...

How do you know when it's a blessing?

2007-08-08T17:07:00.000-05:00

How do you know when something laid out before you is a blessing or a "curse" in disguise. Or is just about what you make it. In the end can it all be a blessing depending on what you do with the situation?

Early this morning Casanova Brown's job up the anti in the original offer they made him to come back home. In addition, to that they added a "we need you ASAP" just to add a little pressure to the decision making process. Hours later I had a job interview(something I had committed to prior to truly committing to the move). The interview went really well. When discussing salary the offer was more than I expected, much more. Enough to significantly change my financial outlook " like right now" as Cassie would say. Hmmmphhh.. Now what? In a matter hours by us just saying the words we can go from the poor house to the living in the manner we both knew so well. BUT, it would all have to go down here at home. So we will still have to contend with his family, my family, both of our exes, the winter weather etc. The stuff we were getting away from. All the excitement that comes with a fresh start is quickly fizzling in the wind.

So is this a blessing or curse? Is this one of those time when you say "this is bigger than money it's about the integrity of our relationship and our plans for the future" OR "we can do here what we was going to do there because it's in the end it's about US.. our family?"

Truth is I am going to take the offer. I have to cover my behind. The job market is scary and I have a kid going to college in four short years. He will probably take the job as well because truly it will only further his " living like a baller" lifestyle he likes to perpetrate.

So instead of questioning this I should just thank God for being God. Now it's up to me and him to prove what we are really about and make it work. No matter where the locale.

It's my birthday.. well it was

2007-08-07T18:24:00.000-05:00

A week ago today it was my birthday. I turned 37 years young. Although, I still sport my youthful resilience and don’t look a day over27 I am celebrating my tip top towards 40. My birthday came and went without the usual fan fare. My mom said it was a sign of my maturity I say it was a sign of my brokenness. Tomato.. Tomatoe. However, you look at it my day passed and left me in deep thought. Grateful I survived and I do mean survived another year. Sad the year wasn’t at all the year I would have preferred it be. I promised myself that 37 would be better and different. Starting with this move that is before me.
Ok.. right now just getting to the move is daunting task but, not completely impossible. Casanova Brown has finally started to take real action not just talk after I said I found an apartment here and was ready to sign the lease (only a partial lie).

I spent some significant phone time with my therapist ..ok my eternal friend about life and how we ARE NOT living it to it’s fullest. I recently read a statement that life is too short but, when you are unhappy it’s long as HELL.. AMEN to that. So my quest for year 37.. to find my happiness. Speaking of happiness…or lack there of..

Today is.. ok was my wedding anniversary(starter marriage). 15 years ago today I looked at the future father of my children and vowed to love him forever, for better or worse, honor and obey.. you know all that crap. Yea, well that didn’t quite work out now did it? I always get reminiscent on this day. Thinking about how I really meant those words (when I said them) while knowing that getting married wasn’t one of my more brilliant ideas. Still cleaning up the mess of that decision in the form of late or non existent child support payments, baby daddy arguments and nauseated feeling I get when I see his name on the caller id calling for the kids. I see why I worry about the decision I make now. My track record hasn’t been all that great. I did break the family curse of never being married longer than 10 yrs. I was married 11. Hah!!! I often wonder how life would have been if A. I hadn’t married him at all or B. I stayed married to him. Mostly I think that when late at night I am stressing over bills, and kids and Casanova Brown.

Anyway, life must go on and it is. I am preparing right not to have a fabulous 38 birthday complete with hilarious tales of happiness and how I found it. Maybe , I will move on to celebrating the anniversary of marriage number two and thanking God that marriage number 1 didn’t last.

Humph…

Damsel in Distress

2007-07-31T10:54:00.001-05:00

damsel
One entry found.
damsel

Main Entry:
dam·sel
noun
Etymology:
Middle English damesel, from Anglo-French dameisele, from Vulgar Latin *domnicella young noblewoman, diminutive of Latin domina lady
Date: 13th century
: a young woman: aarchaic : a young unmarried woman of noble birth b: girl

I was talking to my eternal friend last night and we were discussing has life has changed us. Ok, we were really talking about how life has changed me. In the conversation I told her I was tired of being in need. That since my lay-off and divorce that I have allowed life to beat me down and live me there in essence I was tired (she also reminded me I make that claim at least once a month). Anyway, I then said that I was tired of being a damsel in distress and I miss the confident self reliant person I use to be. With her infinite wisdom she replied “Yea, I don’t remember you ever being a damsel much less one in distress”, Dang, I had to laugh at that one myself. That was indeed funny. After, our conversation ended I sat and thought about what she said.

I remember a line from one of my favorite movies Under The Tuscan Sun. When the one friend says to the Diane Lane character” Sometimes you become so comfortable in your unhappiness you stay there.” Or something like that.
It was true. Before my tussle with life I did live more on my own terms. Well, completely on my own terms. I have allowed my situation to define and in turn change me. Now, don’t get me wrong. I have also learned some valuable life lessons these past few years that have changed me for the better. I am a little softer around the edges. But, now I feel like my diva is being compromised. Of course, this is a revelation to me only because as my friend told me last night she has been saying this forever. Funny … funny...

Then I looked up the word Damsel and in essence it means girl. GIRL.. GIRL ---as in child. I have become a girl losing my womanly status. That spoke volumes to me. Now my friend (I need to give her a blog name) has been my friend practically since birth. She has seen the many evolutions of me and to think through all of those she never saw me as a GIRL.. until now. WOW…
I just can’t get my head around it.

I am beginning my campaign to find the woman in me again keeping some of the lessons I have learned thus far. Fighting for what it is I think I deserve instead of settling for what life hands me. I say the same to my friend. I see you heading down that road. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT PATH…Fight back. So you won’t be a damsel in distress..

This Too Shall Pass

2007-07-26T15:48:00.001-05:00

Life is a little hard right now. But, this too shall pass

I am indecisive..wishy/washy..fickle. I have life ADD

2007-07-25T15:02:00.000-05:00

I realized that my decision making skills are truly challenged. I am indecisive. ...non-committal..wishy/washy... dare I say fickle. It frustrates me to no end I cannot or seem unable to make a decision especially a life changing decision and stick to it. I don't remember always being that way either. I wonder exactly when I lost confidence in my decision making skills which in turn has put me in a position where life happens to me and I am not controlling life.

I am sure as you read this you are saying to yourself. You just go after what you want in life. You know goal setting and all that. But, I don't

think .. I don't think I truly know what I want. Yea, the house the cars the job..I want all that (again). People tell me to listen to God and follow where he leads. Then even then I wonder is that me or God that I hear. (stop laughing) Maybe I over analyze. Maybe I over analyze my analyzing. Maybe, I just have trouble with commitment. Yea, now that one I can see that one being possibly true.

I admire my little sister when it comes to that. She can make a decision good bad or ugly and stick with it. She doesn't bog her self down with the one million and one scenarios it can play out she commits to and it and if it works great if not then that's great to. On to the next plan. I wonder if that was me at one time. I bet it was . I miss her. Have you seen her. The person I was when I could make a decision.

Now my head is swirling with decisions about leaving, staying. Where to go Arizona, Texas, Oregon, ..etc.. When to leave and what is the best way to go about it. If I stay(which is an option) where do I work now(either way I need more money and more responsibilty). Where do I move to. Which apartment what neighborhood.

Oh gawd!!!!!!!!!!!

Then after my brain explodes and oozes out my ear. I am back at square one. What do I do?

I want to be bold then I want to be safe. Truly I think I need some medicaition. Maybe, that is the first decision I need to make. Whether or not to seek professional help. Maybe it's a chemical imbalance or a biological mental disorder. See here I go.

I'm gonna stop wasting company time well really my time I only have 8 mins left on lunch.

I think

I was devastated by this story

2007-07-23T18:19:00.000-05:00

Please read this story and check out the links below. Share it with your children. Discuss it with your kids. Regardless of what race you are. This makes my heart heavy.

(Below is a copyof an online article. )

Jena, Louisiana: Nooses and White Supremacy
By Alice Woodward

On a late summer day in 2006, in Jena, Louisiana, a Black high school student asked permission to sit beneath the “white tree” in front of the town’s high school. It was unspoken law that this shady area was for whites only during school breaks. But a student asked, and the vice principal said nothing was stopping them. So Black students sat underneath the tree, challenging the established authority of segregation and racism. The next day, hanging from the tree, were three ropes, in school colors, each tied to make a noose.
The events set in motion by those nooses led to a schoolyard fight. And that fight led to the conviction, on June 28, 2007, of a Black student at Jena High School for charges that can bring up to 22 years in prison. Mychal Bell, a 16-year-old sophomore football star at the time he was arrested, was convicted by an all-white jury, without a single witness being called on his behalf. And five more Black students in Jena still face serious charges stemming from the fight.
* * *
Caseptla Bailey, a Black community leader and mother of one of the Black students, told the London Observer, “To us those nooses meant the KKK, they meant, ‘Niggers, we're going to kill you, we're going to hang you till you die.’" The attack was brushed off as a “youthful stunt.” The three white students responsible, given only three days of in-school suspension.
In response to the incident, several Black students, among them star players on the football team, staged a sit-in under the tree. The principal reacted by bringing in the white district attorney, Reed Walters, and 10 local police officers to an all-school assembly. Marcus Jones, Mychal Bell’s father, described the assembly to Revolution:
"Now remember, with everything that goes on at Jena High School, everybody's separated. The only time when Black and white kids are together is in the classroom and when they playing sports together. During lunch time, Blacks sit on one side, whites sit on the other side of the cafeteria. During canteen time, Blacks sit on one side of the campus, whites sit on the other side of the campus.
“At any activity done in the auditorium—anything—Blacks sit on one side, whites on the other side, okay? The DA tells the principal to call the students in the auditorium. They get in there. The DA tells the Black students, he's looking directly at the Black students—remember, whites on one side, Blacks on the other side—he's looking directly at the Black students. He told them to keep their mouths shut about the boys hanging their nooses up. If he hears anything else about it, he can make their lives go away with the stroke of his pen."
DA Walters concluded that the students should “work it out on their own.” Police officers roamed the halls of the school that week, and tensions simmered throughout the fall semester.
In November, as football season came to a close, the main school building was mysteriously burned to the ground. This traumatic event seemed to bring to the surface the boiling racial tensions in Jena.
On a Friday night, Robert Bailey, a 17-year-old Black student and football player, was invited to a dance at a hall considered to be “white.” When he walked in, without warning he was punched in the face, knocked on the ground and attacked by a group of white youth. Only one of the white youth was arrested—he was ultimately given probation and asked to apologize.
The night after that, a 22-year-old white man, along with two friends, pulled a gun on Bailey and two of his friends at a local gas station. The Black youths wrestled the gun from him to prevent him from using it. They were arrested and charged with theft, and the white man went free.
The following Monday students returned to school. In the midst of a confrontation between a white student, Justin Barker, and a Black student, Robert Bailey—where Bailey was taunted for having been beaten up that weekend—a chaotic fray ensued. Barker was allegedly knocked down, punched, and kicked by a number of Black students. He was taken to the hospital for a few hours and was seen out socializing later that evening.
Six Black students—Robert Bailey Junior, Theo Shaw, Carwin Jones, Bryant Purvis, Mychal Bell, and a still unidentified minor, allegedly the attackers of Justin Barker—were arrested, charged with attempted second degree manslaughter, and expelled from school.
White Supremacy Then and Now
This did not all happen in the “Red Summer” of 1919 when Jim Crow segregation thrived, and Blacks in major cities faced race riots that raged throughout the country. This did not occur in the 1950s after Brown vs. Board of Education was decided in 1954 and young children faced angry white mobs to make history in desegregating public schools. This did not happen in the summer of 1955 when, in Money, Mississippi, a vibrant Black youth by the name of Emmett Till was brutally murdered for whistling at a white woman. This did not occur in 1960, when on February 1 four Black college students sat in at a “white only” lunch counter, demanding service and launching the civil rights movement to another level. This did not happen during the period 1865 to 1965 during which 3,446 Black people were lynched in the United States.
This is now. When three white students in Jena committed this hate crime, hanging three nooses from the “white tree,” they evoked the ugly history of slavery, segregation, lynching, and police brutality to threaten the lives of Black students at their school. The “white tree” stands in Jena, Louisiana. The Jena 6, as the Black students have come to be called, are in prison and on trial for defending themselves against white supremacist attacks.
The Jena 6 were arrested in December 2006. The outrageously high bail ranged from $70,000-$138,000, leaving most of them stuck in jail for months.
The first student to go to trial this June was Mychal Bell, who waited behind bars, unable to post bail. Like a scene from the Jim Crow South, he was judged by an all-white jury, in a courtroom run by a white judge. Whites sat with Justin Barker and his white lawyer on one side. Blacks sat with defendant Mychal Bell, who was represented by a court-appointed attorney.
The prosecutor called 16 witnesses, mostly white students. The court-appointed defense attorney called none. Accounts of the incident, who was involved, and who did what, vary highly, including whether Mychal Bell was the one who first punched Justin Barker. Barker’s attorney argued that Bell’s tennis shoes on his feet were a “dangerous weapon.” The trial was so outrageous that when a Louisiana TV station polled viewers, 62% said that Mychal Bell was not getting a fair trial.
Mychal Bell was convicted of two felonies: aggravated second-degree battery and conspiracy to commit aggravated second-degree battery. He faces up to 22 years in prison. The remaining five defendants await their trials.
Standing Up to Racism
Few people in the United States have heard of the case of the Jena 6. But the trial was covered by the French newspaper Le Monde, and the BBC aired a documentary on the case. The London Observer reported on the Jena 6 story.
Family, friends, and supporters of the young men are protesting and struggling to free the Jena 6. The Black community in Jena and people from across Louisiana and Texas have come together to support the Jena 6 and fight the injustice of their trials. People have put their lives on hold, and churches have opened their doors. The Jena 6 and their supporters are defiant and continue to be under attack. Marcus Jones told Revolution about the most recent event: "Thursday night we had an NAACP meeting here at the church. The next day, in the morning, the pastor goes to his church and somebody just clean ran through his church yard, knocked his sign down, ran over back and forth on it with they truck, and just took off, you know. People report it to the police (laughs). What good they gonna do here, I don't know."
The majority of Jena’s estimated 385 Black people live in an area of town known as Ward 10. Many homes there are trailers or wooden shacks. Rubbish lies in the streets. Only two Black families live in the all white middle class suburban area of Jena. An article in the Observer recounts how one of them bought a house: “A teacher from Jena High had enough money to buy his way in. But when he arrived local estate agents refused to show him a ‘white’ property even though several were advertised in the local paper (‘they're all under contract,’ the agents lied). The teacher eventually went to see one white owner and offered him cash. ‘The guy preferred green [dollars] to Black, so I got the property,’ laughed the teacher, ‘but since we moved in three years ago we haven't been invited by a single neighbor.’”
The “white tree” stands in Jena, Louisiana today while entire neighborhoods and precious lives in the 9th ward of New Orleans are left wasting away, even as the more profitable and less Black areas of the city are rebuilt. It stands while a father, a mother, a fiancée, a child, and many friends are still feeling the devastating loss of Sean Bell who was murdered by the NYPD. It stands while the Rutgers University basketball team gets subjected to racist and sexist verbal assault from a national talk show host. While the N word is spouted with rage by a comedian.
In a world such as this, there's nothing left to do but pull this tree up by its roots and get rid of it for good.

http://friendsofjustice.wordpress.com/

Search: Jena 6 on youtube

My View On Turning 30+++++++++

2007-07-20T16:02:00.000-05:00

My eternal friend ask me to dust off my writing brain and do an entry for her website. Well, a short story about turning and being in your thirties. Although, I consider myself a mildly talented writer I hadn't written in a super long time. But, to quote the cowardly lion from The Wizard of OZ" " A promise is a promise" So I wrote a little story want read it here it go:

On July 4th of this year my sister in law celebrated her 30th birthday. As we all gathered around her and the cake to sing to her I noticed the look of dread on her face. Facing the cake comically illuminated with 30 candles I saw it. The reality of turning 30 had hit her and she was scared. As the family raps up a sorely out of tune version of Stevie Wonder’s Happy Birthday remix my father in law shouts “You old now gurl ain’t ya. It’s all down hill from here.” I glared at him thinking now would be a good time for me to develop a secret super power of being able to melt people with my laser eyes. I could see the tears well up in her eyes as she glanced at every one and faked a smile. Amidst all the laughter I shouted out” Trust me it is just about to get good for you. They don’t call it dirty thirty for nothing. You’ll see the thirties is the shit.” Everyone looks at me like a woman possessed but, I meant every word of it.

Later that night when the crowd had gone home my sister in law and I were sitting around nursing the last of a huge bottle of Brandy. I turn to her and say “You know I meant what I said earlier. If you do it right you will really love being in your thirties. I know you are married with kids but in my opinion you don’t really start becoming a woman until you hit thirty.” She smiles her inebriated smile, lifts her drink up to me and mumbles “God, I sure hope you are right” I smile back; lift my drink in return and down the last swig of Brandy.

I remember when I was quickly approaching my thirtieth and my older friends would rant and rave about how great the big 3-0 was. Back then in my 20 something naivety I thought it was big old lie they were telling me to make them feel better about getting older. I quickly discovered it was not a lie at all. Since turning 30 some 7 years ago I have learned about me. I don’t feel the need to sugar coat my words, or explain my actions. I don’t apologize for my mistakes and I no longer beat myself up over them either. I don’t live by someone else’s definitions of what I should be, how I should look or what I should wear. My madness is my own even without rhyme or reason. I can drink with the best of the 20 something crowd but I have the wisdom to know when to stop so I don’t pass out in my on ..well. you get the picture. I take pleasure in my size 10 frame. I can still hooch it out with the best of them while still being able to maintain a level of class women in their 20’s have not yet discovered. I can walk up to a man any man of any age and know for sure he could me mine with the bat of an eyelash. The world is my candy store and I attract them all from 22-62. Yea, you can’t do that in your twenties.

Since turning thirty life has kicked my ass. I have lived the best and worst of times. I have seen divorce, foreclosure, job loss, miscarriage etc. But, now I have resilience, a toughness that allows me to learn and survive every obstacle and road block. If I had encountered these things in my twenties I would still be in a corner eating graham crackers and playing with my bottom lip, while popping Zoloft like candy.

Now, don’t get me wrong thirty still has it’s effects. I have to take my glasses off to read close up. I relish my bed time of 9pm and still cuss at the discovery of the occasional gray hair. I use age fighting skin care (because I’m not stupid) and I know yoga is the really the true reason why my ass is not sitting on the back of my legs. It’s takes a little more work to keep it all in the right place. Too much rap music gives me a huge headache and I have know all of Victoria’s Secrets because I use them all..smoke and mirrors baby..smoke and mirrors. But, my wisdom is real, my confidence is solid. My tears are less and they do not compromise my strength. I try my damndest to find joy in everyday life. Sometimes I fail. I value my friendships. I understand how importance true love really is and I respect the power behind it. I tolerate less, and when I speak I am sure of the words that I say. I love a good party yet I have learned to be alone without being lonely. I am a woman and as my mom would say” I am all the way grown.”

I will say it again. Thirty is the shit. If thirty is this good then like the “kids” say 40 must be off the hezzie.

2007-07-19T14:22:00.000-05:00

Well, I made it to Arizona and back. As soon as I landed I fell in love with the flat lands and blazing heat and I do mean BLAZING. While the heat did completely burn up the rest of my relaxer and left me with a sun burn (yes we do burn). I am still super happy with the city.

The days that Casanova Brown was at work I spent hanging time around the city and contemplating life there. Excluding Cassie Brown as a factor could I make a new and more importantly better life for me and the lil divas here? What could I give them here (besides a saner mom) that I can’t give them in our current locale? I sat and really thought about my life and how it looks. I examined it from every angle and considered the outcome of every sincere attempt to make it ..right or even better. It made me sad that still 3 ½ yrs after my divorce my finances are still highly unstable. Two years after being laid off I am still chasing down a job that will let me make at least half of what I use to. As the oldest enters high school this year I think about how I loved my high school years. I remember my mother doing all she could so I could completely enjoy the high school experience. Trust that ain’t cheap. I had a car, a new car before I had a license. She worked two jobs and I worked also so I could get clothes at the hottest mall store now known as Express. Parties, football games, field trips…college. All those things circle my mind constantly. The little one turned 10 this month. I mustered up and sacrificed so she could get a Nintendo DS she had been waiting two years for. She got that and no party. That made me sad.

So I asked myself was Phoenix my promised land? Casanova Brown aside. I enjoyed my trip and I have a way funny store about how Cassie Brown is a fool (next blog entry) but, I came home with a game plan. I finished my resume and prayed over each submission. I had yet another heartfelt conversation with God about my situation and where my life is right now. I asked that he not just listen to my words but, see inside my heart. On the outside it may look like I am chasing a man. Not true. I am looking for more and after checking each and every nook and cranny where we are currently located I know it’s not here.

So I am boxing it up and heading out. I plan to shut it down and head out on or around August 30th. Quick huh?!! I will try to brace the girls as much as I can for the transition.
I remember the new city, new school jitters. But, it’s my love for THEM that gives the strength to even attempt this. I asked that God be with me either way. Even if it blows up in my face (which I am not counting on) I know that God has my back.

In the end I pray that Phoenix is my return. Where I rise. Much like the bird it’s named after. Yea, that’s it. Phoenix will be where I rise(please hold all Maya Angelou jokes)

This entry started out being about my trip to Phoenix. But, I guess my heart had more to say.

2007-07-10T17:58:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is it .I head out to Arizona to check out what life is like in the desert and see what Casanova Brown has been complaining about. All things considered I am excited for a lot reasons. I am super stressed with finances and job searching so the break mentally will be nice. Hoping that while I am gone Jesus would have taken the wheel and got us a little further down the road than we were when I left.

Cassie Brown and I have been arguing like cats and dogs or dogs in heat you pick in the last five days. Leaving me with fingers crossed that this will still be a stress free trip. I am claiming nothing else. Although, I am starting to see our relationship with a different eye since he left right now I am still open to options. I have a plan A and B. I guess we will see which one is the right one.

I am so ready to START a new. Make a brave new change that totally pushes me in the right direction and I won’t lie. I totally want to do it with a partner. I just pray I am wise enough to pick the right partner. Can’t afford another divorce or wasted time on the wrong marriage.

I guess when I am totally honest with myself a lot is riding on this trip. Good things is he has internet so I can keep you posted real time.

Got to finish packing…..

2007-07-05T17:02:00.000-05:00

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHO IN THE HELL ...

said it was a good idea to have a "National Holiday" on a Wednesday. I understand the importance of having July the 4th on the well.. July the 4th. But, this mid-week stuff
suxs. FO REAL. You know all the dang on eating and sitting in the sun I did all day yesterday
I am worn out. Dude, I am mean wiped. I look it to. Only one side of my hair wanted to comb today. Coincidentally it's the side I didn't sleep on. Oh, and my pants right now are reminding me just how much cow and pork I slammed down my throat yesterday. They are so tight my right leg is numb.

Then to top it all off I am super duper sleepy. Why in hell won't they invent silent fireworks.
For them suckers being illegal all of the over the state they sure were going off. All over the state. What exactly were the police doing? I thought they were everywhere you went to monitor that loud ass shit. Nope I think they were lighting them too.

Dang I'm sleepy!!!

2007-07-03T13:15:00.000-05:00

So I can finally say with confidence.

I DO KNOW WHERE I AM GOING TO…!!!

As of July 1st I am officially in Operation Arizona mode. Well, first let me say this Casanova Brown is still in thinking mode. To quote him “I haven’t decided if I want to stay here or not”. Is his latest mantra but, at the same time he is checking out 4 and 5 bedroom houses and asking what I think. When I confront him with the obvious question of “Why wouldn’t you stay?”. His response is “I am bored. There is nothing to do. Maybe, it will be different when you come and check it out?” Yea… maybe. But, right now I am sold sight unseen. Here are my reasons:

NO WINTER
5 hour drive to LA-Mom lives there
8 hour drive to Vegas- The happiest place on earth (for adults!!)
9 hour drive to Denver –His family lives here..ok. mine too
2 hour drive to Mexico-Tequila up the ying yang and low cost prescription drugs
NO WINTER
Cost of living considerable lower!!
Plenty of job opportunities in my field.

Even with the 115 living in hell summer this place is ideal. I even heard rumors that my allergies will be better there. So you are telling me all that AND I can breathe!! HALLULJAH!!!!

I am convinced if I use the Law of attraction and positive thinking power I now have courtesy of “Oprah” and “The Secret” we all will settle down for a fun filled desert filled life in Arizona by October. I have set weekly daily, and monthly goals to ensure this process will go as smooth as possible. This week task: Have my resume posted on job sites by July 6, 2007. This task is really just a cover my bases kind of thing. I have also done research and scouted out the top three companies (with one in particular) in mind that I want to work for. I am serious. Steady and focused…..and a little scared. This is a major step. I mean Colorado isn’t my” home” but I have been here for 18 years. I accomplished all of life’s major obstacles here; graduating, getting married, having kids, buying a house, getting divorced, getting laid off, and going to jail….twice. I digress. But, it is time for me to head for new horizons.

What to do about Casanova Brown? Well. I am sure once I actually get there next week it will put a more positive spin on the whole situation. Being out there alone isn’t any fun. Hell, staying at home alone after so many hours loses its joy. Moving to another state altogether well that takes it to a new level. But, I am proud of him. It took a big gulp of Man Up Juice for him to get this far. Oh yea. He gets his first paycheck in a day or two. Money always makes any deal seem far sweeter. But, when I think about it for me moving isn’t about him as it about me and the lil divas and the lil divo. Arizona may not be a hot spot of activity but, it will allow us to open up more to the kids. Even at there tender ages they have seen all that Colorado can really offer. I guess some of that comes from my childhood. I lived in Virginia and Ohio on and off sometimes simultaneously until the age of 17(when we moved here.) Arizona may not be forever. That much I understand. I don’t think I could ever convince Cassie Brown to stay away from the cult. I ur… mean family that long. But, it will be enough to even open up his horizons. Hmnmm… doing a little domestic day dreaming. I digress.

So I will keep the world posted on the job hunt, the packing, the moving, the house selection and last but not least Casanova Brown’s ranting anger outburst, irrational and excessively long decision making and general denial of the fact he now lives in Arizona.

2007-06-29T16:49:00.000-05:00

Men are so freakin’ selfish. It never cease to amaze me how they can completely eclipse a “real” problem with some bull…crap. Today I have had it. While the significant other is in Arizona (blazin’ out our new future) I have to hear him complain about well..everything.

Why can’t men be ..I don’t men. So he is there and low on money. No surprise there. But, he knows like I know I am here too. I am maintaining the house and all the kids (yours,mines and ours!!) he is taking care of his own damn self. But, I am suppose to break my neck to make sure he has some money in his pockets. I am all for taking care of my house but, when rations are low ain’t it the man that goes out and hunts for the rations...RIGHT. I played the good wifey role and “held it down” when he lost his job. I even put on my old, too-tight high-school cheer leading uniform and cheered for him kept up his self esteem and convinced him it was ok to leave Colorado to find work.

One of my eternal friends told me that I can sum it up with one statement. MEN ARE DUMMIES. That is so super true. Today it is true in a red neon flashing sign like in Vegas. Urghhh...Dude, I am super irritated. I will not take another “Whoa is me in Arizona call today.” NOT ANOTHER ONE.

2007-06-22T17:25:00.000-05:00

The other day I was watching videos with my spousal unit. As I gazed at one mindless video after the other I realized I had not seen one single black girl. I don’t mean just dark skin I mean black or any variation there of. I couldn’t spot a bi-racial, multi-cultural nothing. I could not spot any other color than sprayed on cinnamon tans.

After my realization I turn to him and ask “They don’t put black girls in videos anymore? He replies “Yes, they do!!”
But, I could hear the puzzlement in his voice. “Ok” I say “Find one.” He stops and looks at the video for several seconds. “There’s one” he points to a cinnamon color video vixen dancing next to some rapper.. Young Joc..Young Jeezy..Young I Can’t Understand What the Hell You Are Saying. Anywoo…

“Nope, she’s not black just tan” I say with a little bite in my voice. He replies with this classic masterpiece of a comment “I GUESS BLACK GIRLS AREN’T IN ANYMORE”
STOP!!! THE PRESSES….NO ONE TOLD ME THAT BLACK GIRLS WEREN’T “IN’ ANYMORE. Ain’t that some shit.!!!

The really bad part about it is I think there is some truth to that twisted comment. I can remember growing up when"US" black girls came in out of style like bad 80’s clothing choices. You know fluorescent headbands... black girls... scrunchie socks..black girls..acid wash jeans.. black girls. We never were a long standing fad like Jheri Curls.
I am use to being showed up by the high yella’ sistas with the mysterious hair texture..not quite nappy... not quite straight(but they still need a relaxer for the "friz") . I am also at peace with those strange erotic beauties that in the 90’s and early 2000 all the “famous” brothers married and have since divorced. The women you knew they could never get unless they had a gazillion zeros following their last names.
You know the women that you could not quite nail down their nationality...and or ethnic background. I had become convinced there was an island somewhere in the Pacific where brothers went to “marry” these women and bring them back to the states. These women never talked and were happy to make TONS of babies. There were always listed as “models” when their history was revealed.

Ok. I lost track. Oh I remember now. But, now we aren’t in style anymore at all. I hate to say it but, much like those trends from the 80’s. We are left to sit in the corner waiting our turn. Waiting until some ugly ass rapper decides we are cute enough to back him up in a lame video wearing nothing but dental floss and heels while he is dressed in 5 layers of clothes, a goose down feather parka and timbos. Ain’t that a trip!!

God knew what he was doing when he made black folks. We are MAGNIFICENT in form. We are CRAZY BEAUTIFUL. Looking at a black man in the nude it’s hard to believe that Adam, himself created by God had anything on them (which is why I also believe they are no dang on good. Because, they are so dang on fine!!) Sorry got lost again. Apparently, they are also dumb as all get out. Black men are the ONLY men who think that black women aren’t the Queens of the Earth and beauty to behold!!! Ask any jaw gapping white man watching a sister walk down the street with her corporate suit hugging All the right places. Ask any Latino brother who loves to yell “Hey Mami” as we walk down the street.

So I encourage all the women..excuse me. I urge Black women to unite and fight back. Stop putting brothers in our videos, movies etc. Dude, if I was an artist now. My video would be packed with Latino and White men in speedos and timbos dancing wildly to my “dope beats”. Every photo layout we should use men from other “ethnic backgrounds” as well placed props. I encourage every single sister out there to go out and get you a little “Something New.” We thought were doing something when the yella brothers went out of style with Christopher Williams and DeBarge!! They ain’t seen nothing yet until we ban.. BAN them all.

Now just so I don't give the impression that all brothers support this sick idea of black sister being out. Check out my newest blog crush:http://alwaysfunkyfresh.wordpress.com/

He speaks on it too and shares some light from the black man's perspective.
.

2007-06-21T15:37:00.001-05:00

Now that my honey has left to forge a new life for us in blazing hot Arizona I am left to my own devices. I promised myself to make good use of the time. I have some definite goals I feel are necessary for me to accomplish prior to me joining him in Arizona. Changes in me that will allow me to transition to the new level of commitment and allow me to be the best me with a fresh start.

My goals are:

1. To spend more time with GOD. I want to be sure I am taking the necessary time to involve him and hear him in my decision making process.

2. Become a good steward of my money. I was impressed with the families that stuck to “Oprah’s Debt Diet” and decided to give it a try. We have already proven finances are NOT his forte so it’s on my shoulders to make it happen (capt’n…thought I would bring that back!!)

3.RETURN TO DOING YOGA!!!! I miss the yoga body and the bone straight posture.

4. Complete at least half of my “To Do List” and making it sure it is “Ta Done” by the time I pack up and head out.

5. Spend sometime with friends and family…before my farewell.

6. I have at least one fun get a way surprise weekend with the girls(semi vacation)

7. SERVE..SERVE..SERVE.. AND SERVE…in church

2007-06-13T11:22:00.000-05:00

I was wasting valuable company time today and I discovered some really interesting things:

Lisa Bonet is pregnant( plus she has a 12 yr old son from a yoga instructor named Brian something or other)
Jill Scott is divorced...dang!! He Loves Me is one of my favorite all time " Love is Forever" song. How can a woman with that smile and that voice get divorced. I weep for the institute of marriage!!
Usher is having a baby with his husband-wife. That woman looks like a dude!!! Yuck!!
Fuchsia is the new black
It is possible to be a single parent with a stable financial outlook. (Note to self: Get a second job!!)
I really, really , really, really want and plan I am going to buy me a Mercedes ML350 within the next 12 months.

Then I came across this burning question on someone's blog( forgot who)

ARE YOU WITH YOUR FIRST CHOICE?

Isn't that a sucky question. But, dang it 's a good one. Let's take it out of the context of just relationships. Consider your first choice in careers, cars, homes etc. Are we a society use to settling and not realizing we have rights to our first choice? Or are we robbed or have been robbed of our first choice by someone else's choices? HMMMM..

Please comment. Share your insight.

2007-06-05T13:39:00.000-05:00

I just needed to share that with the world!!!

2007-06-04T16:19:00.000-05:00

I am moving to Arizona...goal date is August....
Ok. I said it out loud and committed to paper..or computer to make it real.

2007-06-01T15:57:00.000-05:00

Main Entry:
dis•en•chant•ed
Pronunciation: \-ˈchan-təd\
Function: adjective
Date: 1832
: DISAPPOINTED, DISSATISFIED

I have discovered I am disenchanted with my life. I totally love that word. It is not as gloomy as disappointed and it does not make you sound as lazy as dissatisfied. I am disenchanted.

It all stems from my burning desire to leave Colorado. Something about the same streets and landmarks all of it is just….disenchanting!! I hate the flood of memories that come with my daily drive and my usual routine. It may be also I have never lived anywhere else as long as I have lived here. Most of my life I bounced back and forth between Virginia and Ohio. I never really got the chance to be bored with either.

I have a cousin that is a nomad where she wants to go and live she does. She has been that way since she became legally. Newly engaged she has convinced her fiancé to move to New Orleans ( or back to ) with her. She wants to be part of the restoration, the re-birth. Something in me admires that.

I am not tied to Colorado in any way. My sister and brother have successfully independent lives of their own. There isn’t any matter that can’t be remedied with a quick plane ride or an extensive phone call. My mother left Colorado ions ago. No question as to why this is not on her list of retirement choices either.

I have my choice. The world is my oyster. Problem is I can’t find my pearl. I have the chance to go to Arizona with “the man “not totally against it. At times I am even all about it. But, that waivers (as my decisions often do). I considered Houston, Texas as an option. But, one of my friends attempted to move there recently and hobbled back something about the crime. Then I considered Charlotte, NC. It is a good mix of country and city for me and the girls. I would be closer to Virginia where my crazy daddy lives. Close to Atlanta where I can get in a lot of trouble then drive back home and act like it never happened. But, I am looking for more or something different.

I feel like the old Diana Ross song “ Do you know where you going to?” My answer is HELL NO!!!

I don’t know how to quite go from disenchanted back to enchanted.

REAL MUSIC

2007-05-24T14:47:00.001-05:00

I stumbled across this song and became addicted. It is an oldy but goody from a one hit wonder. But, compared to the crap out today. This was and still is the Shyt. Anybody know what happened to him? Is he frying chicken at Roscoe's or flipping burgers at Mickie D's? How does talent like this just disappear yet folks like P. Diddy aka Puffy and T-Pain are around. URGHHHHH!! The injustice!! This maybe the reason the world is lacking in real love. This is the kind of stuff that can make panties instantly dissolve. Not that crap that the lame brothers listen to now. Someone with a half way decent voice better get on the remake tip real quick. Now the love songs are all about hoing brothers trying to make good and ghetto love. Are ghetto folks the only folks falling in love now days? I need some feedback on this one. Tell me if you are feeling this like I am!!!!

2007-05-23T14:36:00.000-05:00

I AM BELIEVING THIS RING TO BE MINE BY MY BIRTHDAY:

2007-05-14T14:07:00.000-05:00

Lately, I have been feeling like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz. Do you remember that scene where Dorothy reaches the crossroad and the sign post had all these different places to go listed? But, the fork in the road only had a right and left. So many choices but, only two actually places. Which one was the road that would get her to her ultimate destination? Which one lead her to The Emerald City? Which one lead her home?

Right, now before me I have so many choices laid out. All of them lead somewhere "else" than where I am right now. All of them provide me options to a "different life". But, all of them don't lead me to home. I am ready to move on with my life ...meaning moving forward. I want to really "Live it".

I recently lost a friend to the tragic ,senseless, selfish act of suicide. This has hurt me to the core. She was truly a good person. But, when I reflect on her life from my perspective she had been just "existing" for years. She was accomplishing all the things that society leads us to believer are crowns of achievement. She had a good job, owned a home, nice things....but she never possessed her hearts desire. I wonder when she came to her crossroad did she just not know where to go? Did she stand there so long and did the pain from not being able to choose become so great that she just couldn't...well she ..just couldn't?

I use to give away the book "Oh, The Places You'll Go" by Dr. Seuss as a present to friends/family who were graduating. This book encouraged the adventure in you. Encouraged you to follow all the possibilities before you. But, as we all know sometimes life can steal of us that desire to venture outside of the unplanned , plan of life.

Eventually, if we never satisfy that urge we wake up here at the crossroad. Staring blankly at our options then at the roads, looking over to our friends, taking in their opinions and then back at our options again. We can stand there forever. Sometimes we back track and get distracted but, then we wander right back. Right back at the crossroad.

So here I am...trying to figure out what road"I" want to take. Hoping in the end I pick the right one.

2007-05-11T17:06:00.001-05:00

So.... I went jail.

It's not even a glamorous story. I got pulled over and had a unpaid ticket that lead to subsequent warrant. Well.. with all that motion. There I was locked up. Funny..heck yea' that's funny. When I made my first collect call to my family and heard the "You have a call from an Inmate at xxxxx County Jail.

I had to laugh at myself.

But, even while in there I had to examine my part in all this. Well, outside of the obvious. I had been asking God and mentally focusing on closing doors and resolving unresolved issues. I am the reigning Queen of "I will do it later." As a a child that had serious consequences like but butt whippings from mom. But, now .. yea that stuff lands you in jail. Ok, that maybe a little extreme. But, clearly it happens.

The moral of this story is: Be specific when you pray....be careful what you ask for you just may get it....What you send out in the universe is what comes back to you...etc...

I am sure there is an Aesop Fable related to this.

2007-04-20T17:52:00.000-05:00

I discovered today that I don't have patience.

I DO NOT HAVE PATIENCE.

I REPEAT. DO NOT HAVE PATIENCE.

I do not have the patience to wait on the life I have been praying for and expecting.

I remain grateful for my journey but, dude I am ready for my dang on destination.

That's sad huh??!!!

I guess I have to "wait".

2007-04-17T10:53:00.002-05:00

Everyday I grow more appreciative of the person I am becoming. It’s like watching a great artist creating a masterpiece. Like any work of art not every stroke is genius but,in the end ALL leads to the overall beauty and brilliance. I am constantly growing more grateful for the good and the bad that comes my way. Knowing in the end it all leadsTo the beauty and brilliance that is ME!!! I have always loved me, but have never been in love with me. I am falling in love with the person I am and the person I am becoming. However, just like any other relationship it requires some work. I have become careful about my thoughts. How I see life and how I see the life I want to live. I am careful about my actions, about what I project out in the universe. I am just like everyone else and have created my fair share of trifling acts which the universe has so politely paid me back for in the most painful ways. Trust I am not so ignorant as to think that bad won’t be fall me in the future or that I will never do any wrong. I am not disillusioned by me at all. But, my choices are just that. They are becoming thought out “choices” versus “actions”. That one fact alone I am grateful for.The other thing is I am fully aware of the mind, body, soul, speech connections. Although, I am frustrating the hell out of my friends and family by taking the extraseconds it takes to me to reply to questions or conduct just everyday conversation. But, I have discovered it is necessary that my thoughts, words and heart all line up. If it is not part of the picture I am projecting for the life I want. I don’t let it come out of my mouth and if it enters my mind. I dismiss it. Here is my example: Yesterday a friend asked me if I wanted to join him for lunch. The thought that came was" Naw, I am so broke right now." But, I dismissed that thought and said “Thanks for the offer but, lunch isn't in my budget this week. I refuse to claim lack of any kind in my life. I REFUSE.Stop thinking “ Dang, what fantasy land has she taken up residence in” NONE!! THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!But, after reading a lot of theories and books over the last six months about the Law of Attraction, and creating your purpose and the life you “really” want. I know that is all possible. Who can’t be in love with me if I am in love with me? Like attracts like.

Ok,I just wanted to share the “I love me glow!!” Can you see it? Yea baby!!!I am finding the DIV-ine in DIVA !!!

2007-01-26T12:48:00.000-06:00

Should I be scared?

I will never leave you alone..

What does that mean really? Truly you don’t mean NEVER…EVER?
You know this is a whole new level of the break game I have yet to experience in my 30 odd years on this earth. This is where Lifetime movies are created.

I mean it’s a simple girl meets boy….. boy meets new girl.. tries to have them both. We all know the story it’s classic that has spanned the time of man. And, I won’t say I never played the role. I have been both the old girl being cheated on and the new girl use to cheat with. But, those right or wrong were conscious decisions. So, I admit I have had my simple woman moments. Hoping he will get his head out his ass and realize the real catch that I am. Then soon(not soon enough) I realize it is ME who needs to pull MY head out of HIS ass. And when I do MAN does the world look better when it’s not full of his SHIT.

So I realize hey since you are the GROWN ASS man you like to claim you are surely you are ok with me bowing out of this little drama of ours. In case you didn’t know all roles in love triangles are optional. Once all the crap is on the table and the lies are revealed it is EVERYONE’s option on how it will play out. It’s like soap opearas when they say “The role of the stupid bitch will now be played by”..yea it’s like that .

Anyway, so in my best “I am not trying to set off the crazy in you” voice I explain why my role will now have to be played by a new actress. I spin it so beautiful I was impressed with my own sick reasoning. Explaining how in the end he is free to be live out the inner hoe role he holds so dear. Now when you are dealing with someone with more than one personality you do have to break up with EACH AND EVERY personality until all are in agreement. I was prepared for that.

Surely the THUG in him love the option of still walking away with the skank he had been “secretly” kicking it with leaving me broken hearted and empty. Nothing makes a THUG feel more manly than a pititful ass female. Which for the sake of getting this over with I was ready and willing to play tears and all. Then there was the SENSITIVE side who wanted to know “WHY I was doing this to us”. He almost got me there. Ready to respond like I set me set ready to answer that then hesitated. This a trap. Abort .. Abort.. he is trying to suck you into a meaningless argument!!! Phew!! That was close.

Then I got suckered punch. Out of no where came the demon voice of a personality I have only heard of but had never seen. “I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU ALONE”

WHOA!!!

What do YOU mean by never? I mean NEVER the demon replied.
HMMM…. What do with that?

Well, when in Rome….

Ok..that’s cool. In my mind I was thinking .. see this is where the LIFETIME MOVIES are made . From this very situation.

Remember, man tells woman he won’t leave her alone. She tries to move on but, stalks her tearing up her shit at first then elevating to scary notes and dead roses. Then comes the death threats. And, last but not least the “meeting”. He just wants to talk. He misses me. He comes over crying, sad, empty to plead his case and prove his love. When he is rejected he grabs me I pull back bump my head on the coffee table and I DIE. He chops me off puts me in the truck and burys me in the woods. Does he even know where the woods are? Anyway, he calls my family tells them he has heard from me makes up some weird guy I was “dating” to blame my disappearance on..etc..etc.. the rest well we all know.

Although, I truly HOPE this isn’t t he case. Right now anything is possible for Mr. Nutsso. I will keep you posted.

Gotta go it’s time to read my 51st stalker text page of the day… and it’s only NOON!!!

2006-12-13T17:54:00.000-06:00

Thoughts for the mind!!!

I wanted to share this with my limited public. I have been doing a lot of reading about the power of the mind and tongue. I have learned that our lives follow our words. When I think about it is absouletely true. What we say directly effects how we live. So in 2007 I am gonna speak what I want into existence. If I speak it then I believe it.

Share your thoughts with me on the whole speaking it and making it real!!!!!!

2006-12-13T17:51:00.000-06:00

My daughter is a THUG…ETTE

Through my most recent relationship (pseudo-marriage still in the process of reconciling) I have inherited 9 new kids ages 14-2. Yes, this is not and exaggeration. I said it you read it 9 new kids. Let me give you the break down 5 nieces and nephews, 2 step children and a cousin. Add that to my two and we have our very on Junior Mafia.

I know a small gang of kids isn’t really all that menacing but you have to understand the mix we have. The two youngest ages 2 and 4 are what the family calls cussing bandits.
I have still yet to learn as an adult the word combinations that these two can create. Impressive to say the least. WRONG… but impressive just the same. Since they roll in a set there is no need for them to play with other kids and they will punk them anyway.

OK..the point of my story. Last Sunday, my sister in law decided to take Junior Mafia out to the skating rink so they could well you know get out of our faces. We gather the posse up and drop them off at the skating rink with these list of instructions;

No fighting each other or strangers
Big Kids(3) please watch the little kids (3)
Take the money you have ( a combined 48.00) and make sure everyone in Junior Mafia eats.. EVERYONE..
Be ready to go in two hours. Shoes, coats on and standing outside.

Well, the two oldest is my daughter and my niece who are both 13 yrs old. Thirteen year olds are full of attitude, attitude and more attitude. Did I say attitude?

About an hour and half later I receive a call from my frantic niece screaming that her cousin is trying to fight her and calling her out her name. Of course, my mommy mode kicks in and my brain screams” Ain’t nobody messing with my child. “I tell her to put her cousin on the phone and I immediately begin to scream at my niece like she is another grown ass woman was on the other end of my phone. I tell my neice I am on my way to tell the rest of Junior Mafia to be ready. Just then I snap back to reality when I see the face of the horrified Wal-Mart clerk asking me everything is ok. I want to say . “Oh, yea. That was just a flash of ghetto”. But, instead I said “ You know teenagers”. My sister in law looks at me as if to say “Hello, were you just yelling at my kid like that”. Hmnmm. I apologize to her and I say you know the girls and their drama. She ask for me to recant the chaotic phone call. I did my best and then apologize for yelling at my niece. She laughs and says “ Her bad ass needed it”.

On the way to the skating rink I ponder what is genetically wrong with us that we find the need to create conflict in every possible situation we put ourselves. We can’t form a gang, create an organization, have a family event or do the electric slide without someone messing it up. Dang black folks

Anywho, we pull up to the front of the skating rink and I panic. Have those dang on kids now pulled perfectly innocent strangers and formed an all gang fight. This is worse than I imagined. The closer we get I realized. What..oh hell no. That is just Junior Mafia and they are fighting each other!!! This is some bull. The little kids are fighting the little kids, the big kids are cussing out the big kids and to lead the gang fight off. IS MY CHILD. THIS BOUGIE WHITE WASHED FAKE HAIR WEARING LITTLE BLACK GIRL is cussing out her cousin using every single cuss word in the ghetto dictionary. It was such a show I had to step back. I stood there behind my child in amazement watching cuss words flow from her mouth like water. She was creating B**ch and B**stard combos I had never heard of. You are gonna do what to her a**. All she was missing was gang signs and tattoos. This kid was Thug Life for real and my niece right there word for word. This is shame. This is a real shame.

Ok…Ok..I have to snap out the ghetto and stop this nonsense. So my sister in law and I finally step in to stop the madness. But, now I know my child has an alter ego. My child is secretly a hood rat. Is there some type of therapy for this? Some prevention efforts I can make to suck her free from the ghetto world. If you know of any..HOLLA!!!

2006-11-01T02:49:00.000-06:00

Can you tell me why my dog is GREEN?My lil divas in training (ages 9&13) decided to get a head start on Halloween by magically turning the dog GREEN.They were given one simple task and I do mean simple. Please bathe the dog while I am at work because as cute as she is she smells like pure ASS!!. Now, they did call me at work to tell me that they had come across a small obstacle in completing their task. The dog ( a shitzu) had nipped at one of the divas and now was over the whole bath taking experience. Ok.. fair enough. I simply say let her dry and I we will try to bathe her again when I get home. Ok.. cool. no worries..AHHH!! but somewhere between that phone call and 6pm the fairy came and sprinkled dust upon the dog's kennel magically turning the underside of her belly, her four paws and her tail green. Oh what a pretty shade of green it is!! The dog who is typically white with tan spots looked just plain embarrassed as she walks out the dag on kennel in slow motion. She knew in all her doggy wisdom that someone had JACKED HER UP and they were not confessing. Here we are 4 days and several baths later my dog is still green. Not the magically delicious green she was initially but still green. I need to take her to the groomers to have them reverse the damage but, I am kind of embarrassed to tell the vet I have no FREAKIN clue what happened. I have to give it the lil divas this time they are staying tight lipped and locked down on their alibi. Still no one knows what happened. They have even endured the interrogating skills of the pseudo-boyfriend/husband when he demanded an explanation of what happened to his baby. They gave him the same lame but miraculously story they gave me but, his included cute smiles, dimples and batting eyelashes!!I personally blame creative, cute shows like That's So Raven - that give potentionally bad kids like mine cute ideas like melting cheese in the heating ducts or turning the dog the unnatural shade of a skittle. There is one thing left for me to do. Slap some ears on her and send her trick a treating with the lil divas as a Gremlin!!.

2006-11-01T02:48:00.000-06:00

My life is a trip.. But then again whose isn't.However, I believe I find more humor in my life than most and felt it was time to share the world through my mind's eye. Which at times should really be closed. Anyway, like many of my blogger mentor's i.e.SingleMa and Debt Hater I am jumping on the financial bandwagon. But, I am riding shotgun. I will let them drive that one. I also have the challenged of my lunatic ex-husband, my control freak boyfriend and my lil diva's in training.The ultimate goal : Kick off my journey down the yellow brick road of dreams and show myself and my lil divas that dreams can come true. Whew!! That does sound like fun!!!