The Single Mother Shuffle

I sincerly try to make an effort to not allow myself to get caught up in the challenges of being a single mom. I don't allow myself to get caught up in the woes of why me or if their dad only stepped up to the plate. Overall, I am beyond grateful for all the ways that God allows my world to come together to make up for the fact that my children only have one active parent. I have even(at times) taken pride in how I seem to keep all the balls( well the most important ones) up in the air during my oh so truly skillful juggling act.

But, here lately. I seem to struggle with well all of it. Either there are more balls to keep up or they are getting heavier. The afterschool activities, orthodontist appointments, trips to the emergency room( we will talk about that later),homework and just plain living is getting a bit..
heavy. For the first time I really think since I have been a single mom I am wishing I had another parent. Let's be truthful I wish for another me.

I was talking to my mom yesterday and told her I wanted a wife. She corrected me quickly mind you and said I needed a nanny. Nope I said it right. I need a WIFE. A nanny you have to pay. A wife has to do all this ish for FREE.

The thing about being a single mother for me at least is this. Even if they can't equally carry the load that you do that is fine. But, it would be nice to occasionally have them fill in. You know a pinch hitter. Now that the divas are teens and pre-teens their social calendar is so busy. They always want to go somewhere and when there isn't somewhere they want to got. There is defintely someplace they need to go. Hair appointments, trips to the store, friends house, school games all of that. I actually fantasize about doing NADA.

I could always complain that life isnt' allowing me time for me but , that isn't even my issue. The more I think about it I am sure there are plenty of non single mom with the same grip. I have. I think it was getting up at 5 today and making a 7:3.0 ortho appt working 9 hrs.. shopping for school dance outfits after work..to find out one outfit is too big. So as soon as I sign off I will be sewing in the waist because the store only had two and the I know the other one was to small for
her..

Sorry, this wasn't the best post. I just needed to vent.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!

Happy 2008 to you!!!!!!!!!

This will be a short post because I am still feeling the effects of ringing in the New Year.

You know the old wives tale. What you were doing at the stroke of midnight is what you will be doing for the next year.
If that is true were you careful about how you chose to ring in the New Year?

So question for you:

What were you doing at the stroke of midnight? How did you welcome in 2008?

My weave makes me itch!!!

I was going to save my return to the blogging world for New Year's Eve and some deep reflection of my incredible, roller coaster of a year. But, then my weave started itching. Or, to be more specific my very dry, Sahara like flaky scalp under my weave started to itch. Trying my best to ignore the itch and fight the urge to pull it off ( hard to do with a sew in) and throw it across the office at an unsuspecting co-worker I forced my mind to focus on other things. In turn, I accidentally sent myself into deep and reminiscent thought. ..Hold on I'm scratchin.

This year 2007 has been truly my year of growth. I can't remember when if ever I have come to the end of a year just feeling grateful and full of joy. This year I got my smile back and my hope back. I exhaled. I stayed on my knees in prayer learning how to have a relationship with God. I lost a lot emotionally, and materially and gained even more.

Like the codes in The Matrix I can feel my life come together and click in, make sense and I am finding my way. Remember that quote from Diary Of Mad Black Woman"
I am find myself. That's it. I am finding myself." Maybe,even that's not true. I can't honestly say I know the woman I am becoming but I like her.

She is grateful for every tear shed and even feel the horrible bout of heartbreak experienced this year played an amazing part in healing some past hurts.
What doesn't kill you indeed makes you stronger!!!

There were some definite tragedies this year. This year I alone I attended more funerals than I have my entire 37 yrs of life. Death indeed left his calling card
everywhere. He didn't care. I experience lost of people I cared for in the prime of their life all the way to the dusk of the years. Everything from sudden unexplainable sickness to taken life in their own hands and cutting it short by choice. Of course, the loss of my friend Kim who committed suicide hit me the hardest. I think of her daily. I will never forgot what it felt like to pack up her house, to get rid of her things. To stare at the bullet hole in the wall...to clean the blood from her carpet. To try to forget her scent, her laugh her smile and beautiful green eyes. But, I thank her. It was watching her fight with depression and not being able to find a way out besides death that moved me to different choices. To refuse to give in to depression and life woes and fight back.

Fight back I did.

I still have a long way to go. But, I am on my way. I learned where truth and strength comes from. When I feel weak or as if I am drifting or disconnected. I now know what it means to close the door and spend a little quality time with my Father!!!

My children are growing and healthy. Their father joined the military(hey guaranteed child support!!), I love my new job with unlimited overtime and opportunity!!! If you are wondering if Casanova Brown is around still and yes he is. Even there things are good.

With all that I am happy to see 2007 to go. According to the bible 8 is the number of new beginnings. 7 is the number of completions. I am confident in saying I closed a lot of chapters and let a lot go in 07. I no longer feel like I am recovering from life's ..well life. But, instead I am writing a new book altogether.

I have a lot planned for 08. I plan to get my luxury or semi luxury car by my birthday!! I will keep you posted on what wins out.. right now we are looking at BMW's...Benz's or Audi's(they have a good performance record).

I pray a peaceful transition into the New Year for everyone. If you have not yet brought you chapters to an end. Do so before 12/31 so you can embrace

08 THE OFFICIAL YEAR OF NEW BEGINNINGS!!!

BE BLESSED... SEE YOU IN 8!!

Been gone to long!!!

I have been out of the blogging world for awhile. Well, quite awhile. But, things have been good.. Well, great even.

However, this is just a teaser. I will return to full on blogging come the New Year. If, time permits I may even get a chance to do a wrap up of a very CRAZY 2007!!

I had some problems.. and no one could seem to solve them.

Right before, I turned white in the 80's(stop acting like I was the only one) I was black with a bubble gum trim.

I will never forget my very first real grown up like concert. It was Luther Vandross's Busy Body tour featuring Debarge. I remember it like it was yesterday and my curl was freshly done, extra springy with those spaces in between from the rods.

Anywoo, that night I fell in love with the soulful sounds of Eldra Debarge. He was far prettier than any man should be with beautiful black blow dried, spritz and curled hair. He was lovely. Oh his smile his smile. His 1000 watt baby tooth riding smile just melted my little 13 yr old heart. I remember thinking "I like it" must have been written by some musical genius with it's flow of poetic lyrics:

I like it.

I like it

I really, really like it.

Adore it

I'm for it

Now come let me enjoy it.

Oh, El. I became a woman that night. My love affair with El continued long past "Rhythm of the Night" and "Who's Johnny". A superstar before his time that is what Eldra was to me.

As an adult he had become the soundtrack to my own adult activities when he sang lead on Quincy Jones' Secret Garden. Who could forget his "OH..OH. we. Oh we. baby". The poor boys that fell victim to that song. OH, Anywoo..

After that I flirted with other light skinneded singers. Christopher Williams, I even had a fling with Chico Debarge. But, none of them held a candle to my Eldra. Oh my Eldra. How he Loved me in a special way.

So I was totally dismayed to find out that my sweet Eldra has come across super duper hard times and has been ARRESTED. YES, arrested.http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070830/ap_en_mu/people_el_debarge

My poor sensitive man is now in the slammer. It makes me sad. What happened to him? It seems like there are enough Debarge's to populate a small country. Please someone tell me why NONE of them could avoid the evils of drugs.

The music business must be a real bitch. It seems that weekly I am reading how some once superstar artist is all cracked out, and hooking it up on someone's main street. I just don't understand with all the crap we listen to today why these musicians who had legit talent aren't being swooped up, dusted off , sobered up and signed. Who can hold a candle to El Debarge today? He may have been girly but he could sing AND write. How in the hell does he not have money when it seems like EVERY Debarge track is the baseline for every good rap song Diddy has ever produced. Diddy alone should bail El out. Sober him up and buy him a house and a ride.

All jokes aside it makes me sad to know those with true talent are all just Eddie Cain's waiting to happen. Will we hear rumors of Chris Brown in 20 yrs being methed out and living in a box wearing old Michael Jackson jackets and pop locking on Venice Beach? We keep sending these fools to rehab that don't want to go, go , go. How about those who would gladly go for one time in the spot light.

So with a heavy heart El joins the ranks of Tevin Campbell, D'Angelo and whoever else you can think of or can't think of until they show up on a mug shot and a gossip blog.

To those in the music industry Instead of living high off their baselines and hooks. Look them up and hook them up. They are the ones that gave you your fake ass career to begin with. And, who knows you just may stop it from being you ...20 yrs from now.

Let's talk about 7-8 and 9

I have been wildly entertained by folks antics this week. I feel the need to share my insight and random (sometimes unnecessary thoughts) on what is really going on in the world.

Let's talk about this dude. Travis Henry Denver Bronco's #20. As a resident of Denver and a female I feel it is necessary that I share this story with the public. Women in Denver must be aware of his ummm"numbers" . We must avoid at all cost being added to his umm"team". Mr. Henry made nationwide news this week because simply because at the age of 28 he has managed to procreate with 9 different women resulting in 9 different children spread across 4 southern states. He is making a little team of his own. Dare I say a new league. The TFL maybe? Wow.. yea. Let that sink in for a minute. Apparently, Mr. Henry believed when God's commandment to populate the earth was personal request to him alone. And, it only fitting that this story came to light because he has failed to pay child support. Which I totally understand. Clearly, if this brother pays child support and properly supports all 9 of his offspring he would be flat broke. There is no NFL contract in the world that properly support his little football team in the making.

Let's dig deeper shall we. First, it clear Mr. Henry likes to "get around" and do so unprotected. I shudder at the thought of the possible STD cocktail he could be brewing in jock strap. The team attendant should refuse to wash his anything. Demanding he take his stuff home to be washed.

Here are my major concerns about this:

• He has not repeat offenders. He doesn't have two with one chick and three with the other. No stories of long term relationships or marriages. NOPE, nine chicks, nine kids. Brotha' is taking hitting and quitting to a whole 'nother level.
• Then I think about the ones he sexed and didn't use protection and by the grace of God did not get pregnant. I get sick at the thought of the numbers.
• How many I can't use condom excuses can you have at the age of 28. Did he tell each of them a different one. 1. I can't find one big enough 2. It broke 3. I am allergic...dang I run out after three. Maybe, that was the problem.

Then I think about the women:

• I can see 1 and 2
• I will excuse 3 maybe 4( but that is shaky)
• but 4,5 and 6 need a firm conversation. When you ask a brother especially a brotha you hooked up with that plays pro..any sport his history. Isn't one of your questions How many kids do you have? Strike that. I would hope that when you interview any candidate you are even remotely considering sharing your good with "How many kids do you have?" And, when he said 3,4,5..why didn't they say " Hell naw, we can't even hold hands and we sure as HELL can't do it without protection".
• Then there is 7,8 and 9. They just don't have no damn excuse at all. No damn excuse.

WOMEN OF DENVER. WE MUST UNITE AND REFUSE TO HELP THIS BROTHER ROUND OUT HIS TEAM..LEAGUE.. I MEAN FAMILY TO AN EVEN NUMBER OF 10. I am sure he dying to spread his seeds in the western states. But, we can show him we are smarter than that.

Seriously, this is pure non sense. I blame not only Mr. Henry but the women he procreated with. His game can't be that tight and there can't be that many women looking at getting knocked up by a pro baller like getting a winning scratch ticket. (I stand corrected apparently there are 9 that have come across Travis Henry's path alone). I am outraged and appalled. I am also embarrassed for him because he ain't got enough damn sense to be embarrassed for himself. I hope he has learned. According to news reports all 9 mommas are lawyering up and seeking support which means it could result in 9 different lawyers across several jurisdictions. To me that all equals a big = Broke sign. Enjoy your new 100,000 chain and your new 100,000 car Mr. Henry. Seems like that may be your LAST taste of luxury for minute. I bet you wish you had spent 10.00 on some condoms now.

Well, I am done. I need to and put on my TRAVIS HENRY IS MY BABY DADDY'S SHIRT.

Today I feel like this:

I GOT THE JOB...

I PUT IN MY NOTICE TODAY.

LOOK WHAT GOD CAN DO!!!!!!!!!

MEN THE NEW WOMEN

I saw this commercial the other day for one of the new shows debuting on ABC’s fall line up. In the commercial a group of men are sitting around sharing their individual relationship drama. Then one of the men lifts their glasses to make a toast and announces
“To men.. the new women”.

LOL.. Hell ya!! Men are the new women. I am glad somebody out there knows that besides me. Men are caddy, whinny, self centered, moody and complainers. Their emotions change like the spin of the wheel on Wheel Of Fortune. They always want to talk about some crap and the conversation in the end gets nowhere. What did we spend all that time yapping for if it’s just to stay in the same freaking spot we have been in.

Today Casanova Brown actually said “Lately, you have not been making me feel wanted.” When in the hell did it become my job to make a grown MAN.. I repeat MAN feel wanted?

What do I look like making sure I validate your sensitive feelings you gun toting, hard core, I’ll take a bullet to the chest any day thug. I don’t have time for that. If you are going out then take your ass out. Have good time. I am not going to call and see where you at. For what? You know where you live. What it makes you feel wanted when the others fools women are blowing up their phones asking to them to come home if you were experiencing the same? In the immortal words of CrackHead Whitney..“Hell Naw”.

A man is a man period. His job is to make me feel like a woman. PERIOD. It is not to act like you too have a PERIOD. Dude, at any given time I have THREE little girls in my house. I don’t need anymore estrogen induced emotional roller coasters. I can barely deal with my own.

I don’t want to talk about why you think I fucked up. Just fix it. Lecture me ok. I can do a lecture or two occasionally. But, fix it. I should never have to call you pick me up if I need a ride. Aren’t you the freaking man? Why are you running around with a constant male side kick? Is this your very best girlfriend? Because, I stopped kicking it like that with my inseparable fake cousin when I left HIGH SCHOOL. Now , that shit is just gay and immature.

Urrghh!! What we got into an argument and I hurt your feelings? What are you doing over there in that corner? Licking wounds? What the hell? What happened to manning up?I don’t get it. I wish I did. They don’t make them like they use to is a real understatement. I also realize that this particular problem is not age specific either.

OH. How about their level of gossiping. When I listen to Cassie talk to his boys about the other folks in the posse that aren’t there. MAN… he can far out do any gossip I thought I could conjure up. He can talk about some body dirty draws.. like they were dirty draws and kick it and drink with them that very same night. Like he never said a dang on thing.
I think he gets a hard on at the whisper of some he-say-she say shit going down. It’s not just him I have several girlfriends whose HUSBANDS are the exact same way. AND
Do you know this fool told me I had to stay pretty.. because… he is pretty. BECAUSE HE IS PRETTY…. YES BECAUSE HE IS PRETTY. My girlfriends and I can all talk about our significant others that take longer to get dressed than we do. Yea!!

I LOVE MEN. I really do for as long as I can remember. But, I miss men being men. I miss men being man enough to let me be the woman. I miss men being men enough to put me first to not let me want for anything. Because, men are to provide and protect. I miss men that make women fell wanted, who don’t share feelings and refuse to cry. I miss men who love that I am soft and I smell good not comparing if there skin is as soft as mine(damn metro sexuals). I miss men being manly all the time and the definition of being manly is not you telling me what to do and screwing other women. I am tired of men getting their definition of “being a man” from straight to video black films, rap and music videos.

Maybe, it’s a sign of the times. Maybe, it’s ALL the men being raised by single mothers, grandmothers and big sisters. It’s true a woman cannot teach a man to be a man. And that is why God didn’t not bless me with a son.

I will say it again. I LOVE MEN. I EVEN LOVE MY MAN DEARLY. But, I so dearly miss( can you miss what you have never have) or want to be treated, respected, like a man should. A real man and not the new woman.

Look What God Can Do

My rent is paid.. almost( well I wont' be evicted)

My girls made it to school with some new clothes and supplies.

My new potential job to called to verify references. (offer on the way!!)

Today was a roller coaster of emotions. But, he handled it all with grace...and mercy..

I am humbled. LOOK WHAT GOD CAN DO

Sometimes I forget.. but today he reminded me..

God is good.....all the time


Mark 11:24 (New International Version)

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

Thank you Lord for reminding me who you truly are.

I FOUND MY ANTHEM

Jill Scott is awesome.

Her new song is right on time. Right on time. Check out the You Tube Link.

He May Be A Child Molester But Damn Can He Inspire Greatness

I needed some inspriation in my life today. Not Godly inspiration but, I can do anything kind of inspriration. While listening to my R. Kelly collection I came across this one. Now I feel like I can do any damn thing.. I .. I believe I Can Fly...
"R. Kelly - The World's Greatest"

I am a mountain
I am a tall tree
Ohhh, I am a swift wind
Sweepin' the country
I am a river
Down in the valley
Ohhh, I am a vision
And I can see clearly
If anybody asks u who I am
Just stand up tall look 'em in the Face and say

[Chorus]
I'm that star up in the sky
I'm that mountain peak up high
I made it
I'm the worlds greatest
And I'm that little bit of hope
When my backs against the ropes
I can feel it mmm
I'm the worlds greatest

I am a giant
I am an eagle
I am a lion
Down in the jungle
I am a marchin' band
I am the people
I am a helpin' hand
And I am a hero
If anybody asks u who I am
Just stand up tall look 'em in the Face and say

[Chorus]
I'm that star up in the sky
I'm that mountain peak up high
I made it
I'm the worlds greatest
And I'm that little bit of hope
When my backs against the ropes
I can feel it
I'm the worlds greatest

[Choir sings with R Kelly]

This week's shallow post

Does dick do this to you?

Where the hell is Rohan Marley. Somebody should arrest him or at least beat his ass. I just don't understand.

WTF?!!! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN. I NEED TO KNOW..

Somebody.. Anybody..Hello.. Buehler.. Buehler...

How do you know when it's a blessing?

How do you know when something laid out before you is a blessing or a "curse" in disguise. Or is just about what you make it. In the end can it all be a blessing depending on what you do with the situation?

Early this morning Casanova Brown's job up the anti in the original offer they made him to come back home. In addition, to that they added a "we need you ASAP" just to add a little pressure to the decision making process. Hours later I had a job interview(something I had committed to prior to truly committing to the move). The interview went really well. When discussing salary the offer was more than I expected, much more. Enough to significantly change my financial outlook " like right now" as Cassie would say. Hmmmphhh.. Now what? In a matter hours by us just saying the words we can go from the poor house to the living in the manner we both knew so well. BUT, it would all have to go down here at home. So we will still have to contend with his family, my family, both of our exes, the winter weather etc. The stuff we were getting away from. All the excitement that comes with a fresh start is quickly fizzling in the wind.

So is this a blessing or curse? Is this one of those time when you say "this is bigger than money it's about the integrity of our relationship and our plans for the future" OR "we can do here what we was going to do there because it's in the end it's about US.. our family?"

Truth is I am going to take the offer. I have to cover my behind. The job market is scary and I have a kid going to college in four short years. He will probably take the job as well because truly it will only further his " living like a baller" lifestyle he likes to perpetrate.

So instead of questioning this I should just thank God for being God. Now it's up to me and him to prove what we are really about and make it work. No matter where the locale.

It's my birthday.. well it was

A week ago today it was my birthday. I turned 37 years young. Although, I still sport my youthful resilience and don’t look a day over27 I am celebrating my tip top towards 40. My birthday came and went without the usual fan fare. My mom said it was a sign of my maturity I say it was a sign of my brokenness. Tomato.. Tomatoe. However, you look at it my day passed and left me in deep thought. Grateful I survived and I do mean survived another year. Sad the year wasn’t at all the year I would have preferred it be. I promised myself that 37 would be better and different. Starting with this move that is before me.
Ok.. right now just getting to the move is daunting task but, not completely impossible. Casanova Brown has finally started to take real action not just talk after I said I found an apartment here and was ready to sign the lease (only a partial lie).

I spent some significant phone time with my therapist ..ok my eternal friend about life and how we ARE NOT living it to it’s fullest. I recently read a statement that life is too short but, when you are unhappy it’s long as HELL.. AMEN to that. So my quest for year 37.. to find my happiness. Speaking of happiness…or lack there of..

Today is.. ok was my wedding anniversary(starter marriage). 15 years ago today I looked at the future father of my children and vowed to love him forever, for better or worse, honor and obey.. you know all that crap. Yea, well that didn’t quite work out now did it? I always get reminiscent on this day. Thinking about how I really meant those words (when I said them) while knowing that getting married wasn’t one of my more brilliant ideas. Still cleaning up the mess of that decision in the form of late or non existent child support payments, baby daddy arguments and nauseated feeling I get when I see his name on the caller id calling for the kids. I see why I worry about the decision I make now. My track record hasn’t been all that great. I did break the family curse of never being married longer than 10 yrs. I was married 11. Hah!!! I often wonder how life would have been if A. I hadn’t married him at all or B. I stayed married to him. Mostly I think that when late at night I am stressing over bills, and kids and Casanova Brown.

Anyway, life must go on and it is. I am preparing right not to have a fabulous 38 birthday complete with hilarious tales of happiness and how I found it. Maybe , I will move on to celebrating the anniversary of marriage number two and thanking God that marriage number 1 didn’t last.

Humph…

Damsel in Distress

damsel
One entry found.
damsel

Main Entry:
dam·sel
noun
Etymology:
Middle English damesel, from Anglo-French dameisele, from Vulgar Latin *domnicella young noblewoman, diminutive of Latin domina lady
Date: 13th century
: a young woman: aarchaic : a young unmarried woman of noble birth b: girl

I was talking to my eternal friend last night and we were discussing has life has changed us. Ok, we were really talking about how life has changed me. In the conversation I told her I was tired of being in need. That since my lay-off and divorce that I have allowed life to beat me down and live me there in essence I was tired (she also reminded me I make that claim at least once a month). Anyway, I then said that I was tired of being a damsel in distress and I miss the confident self reliant person I use to be. With her infinite wisdom she replied “Yea, I don’t remember you ever being a damsel much less one in distress”, Dang, I had to laugh at that one myself. That was indeed funny. After, our conversation ended I sat and thought about what she said.

I remember a line from one of my favorite movies Under The Tuscan Sun. When the one friend says to the Diane Lane character” Sometimes you become so comfortable in your unhappiness you stay there.” Or something like that.
It was true. Before my tussle with life I did live more on my own terms. Well, completely on my own terms. I have allowed my situation to define and in turn change me. Now, don’t get me wrong. I have also learned some valuable life lessons these past few years that have changed me for the better. I am a little softer around the edges. But, now I feel like my diva is being compromised. Of course, this is a revelation to me only because as my friend told me last night she has been saying this forever. Funny … funny...

Then I looked up the word Damsel and in essence it means girl. GIRL.. GIRL ---as in child. I have become a girl losing my womanly status. That spoke volumes to me. Now my friend (I need to give her a blog name) has been my friend practically since birth. She has seen the many evolutions of me and to think through all of those she never saw me as a GIRL.. until now. WOW…
I just can’t get my head around it.

I am beginning my campaign to find the woman in me again keeping some of the lessons I have learned thus far. Fighting for what it is I think I deserve instead of settling for what life hands me. I say the same to my friend. I see you heading down that road. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT PATH…Fight back. So you won’t be a damsel in distress..

This Too Shall Pass

Life is a little hard right now. But, this too shall pass

I am indecisive..wishy/washy..fickle. I have life ADD

I realized that my decision making skills are truly challenged. I am indecisive. ...non-committal..wishy/washy... dare I say fickle. It frustrates me to no end I cannot or seem unable to make a decision especially a life changing decision and stick to it. I don't remember always being that way either. I wonder exactly when I lost confidence in my decision making skills which in turn has put me in a position where life happens to me and I am not controlling life.

I am sure as you read this you are saying to yourself. You just go after what you want in life. You know goal setting and all that. But, I don't

think .. I don't think I truly know what I want. Yea, the house the cars the job..I want all that (again). People tell me to listen to God and follow where he leads. Then even then I wonder is that me or God that I hear. (stop laughing) Maybe I over analyze. Maybe I over analyze my analyzing. Maybe, I just have trouble with commitment. Yea, now that one I can see that one being possibly true.

I admire my little sister when it comes to that. She can make a decision good bad or ugly and stick with it. She doesn't bog her self down with the one million and one scenarios it can play out she commits to and it and if it works great if not then that's great to. On to the next plan. I wonder if that was me at one time. I bet it was . I miss her. Have you seen her. The person I was when I could make a decision.

Now my head is swirling with decisions about leaving, staying. Where to go Arizona, Texas, Oregon, ..etc.. When to leave and what is the best way to go about it. If I stay(which is an option) where do I work now(either way I need more money and more responsibilty). Where do I move to. Which apartment what neighborhood.

Oh gawd!!!!!!!!!!!

Then after my brain explodes and oozes out my ear. I am back at square one. What do I do?

I want to be bold then I want to be safe. Truly I think I need some medicaition. Maybe, that is the first decision I need to make. Whether or not to seek professional help. Maybe it's a chemical imbalance or a biological mental disorder. See here I go.

I'm gonna stop wasting company time well really my time I only have 8 mins left on lunch.

I think

I was devastated by this story

Please read this story and check out the links below. Share it with your children. Discuss it with your kids. Regardless of what race you are. This makes my heart heavy.

(Below is a copyof an online article. )

Jena, Louisiana: Nooses and White Supremacy
By Alice Woodward

On a late summer day in 2006, in Jena, Louisiana, a Black high school student asked permission to sit beneath the “white tree” in front of the town’s high school. It was unspoken law that this shady area was for whites only during school breaks. But a student asked, and the vice principal said nothing was stopping them. So Black students sat underneath the tree, challenging the established authority of segregation and racism. The next day, hanging from the tree, were three ropes, in school colors, each tied to make a noose.
The events set in motion by those nooses led to a schoolyard fight. And that fight led to the conviction, on June 28, 2007, of a Black student at Jena High School for charges that can bring up to 22 years in prison. Mychal Bell, a 16-year-old sophomore football star at the time he was arrested, was convicted by an all-white jury, without a single witness being called on his behalf. And five more Black students in Jena still face serious charges stemming from the fight.
* * *
Caseptla Bailey, a Black community leader and mother of one of the Black students, told the London Observer, “To us those nooses meant the KKK, they meant, ‘Niggers, we're going to kill you, we're going to hang you till you die.’" The attack was brushed off as a “youthful stunt.” The three white students responsible, given only three days of in-school suspension.
In response to the incident, several Black students, among them star players on the football team, staged a sit-in under the tree. The principal reacted by bringing in the white district attorney, Reed Walters, and 10 local police officers to an all-school assembly. Marcus Jones, Mychal Bell’s father, described the assembly to Revolution:
"Now remember, with everything that goes on at Jena High School, everybody's separated. The only time when Black and white kids are together is in the classroom and when they playing sports together. During lunch time, Blacks sit on one side, whites sit on the other side of the cafeteria. During canteen time, Blacks sit on one side of the campus, whites sit on the other side of the campus.
“At any activity done in the auditorium—anything—Blacks sit on one side, whites on the other side, okay? The DA tells the principal to call the students in the auditorium. They get in there. The DA tells the Black students, he's looking directly at the Black students—remember, whites on one side, Blacks on the other side—he's looking directly at the Black students. He told them to keep their mouths shut about the boys hanging their nooses up. If he hears anything else about it, he can make their lives go away with the stroke of his pen."
DA Walters concluded that the students should “work it out on their own.” Police officers roamed the halls of the school that week, and tensions simmered throughout the fall semester.
In November, as football season came to a close, the main school building was mysteriously burned to the ground. This traumatic event seemed to bring to the surface the boiling racial tensions in Jena.
On a Friday night, Robert Bailey, a 17-year-old Black student and football player, was invited to a dance at a hall considered to be “white.” When he walked in, without warning he was punched in the face, knocked on the ground and attacked by a group of white youth. Only one of the white youth was arrested—he was ultimately given probation and asked to apologize.
The night after that, a 22-year-old white man, along with two friends, pulled a gun on Bailey and two of his friends at a local gas station. The Black youths wrestled the gun from him to prevent him from using it. They were arrested and charged with theft, and the white man went free.
The following Monday students returned to school. In the midst of a confrontation between a white student, Justin Barker, and a Black student, Robert Bailey—where Bailey was taunted for having been beaten up that weekend—a chaotic fray ensued. Barker was allegedly knocked down, punched, and kicked by a number of Black students. He was taken to the hospital for a few hours and was seen out socializing later that evening.
Six Black students—Robert Bailey Junior, Theo Shaw, Carwin Jones, Bryant Purvis, Mychal Bell, and a still unidentified minor, allegedly the attackers of Justin Barker—were arrested, charged with attempted second degree manslaughter, and expelled from school.
White Supremacy Then and Now
This did not all happen in the “Red Summer” of 1919 when Jim Crow segregation thrived, and Blacks in major cities faced race riots that raged throughout the country. This did not occur in the 1950s after Brown vs. Board of Education was decided in 1954 and young children faced angry white mobs to make history in desegregating public schools. This did not happen in the summer of 1955 when, in Money, Mississippi, a vibrant Black youth by the name of Emmett Till was brutally murdered for whistling at a white woman. This did not occur in 1960, when on February 1 four Black college students sat in at a “white only” lunch counter, demanding service and launching the civil rights movement to another level. This did not happen during the period 1865 to 1965 during which 3,446 Black people were lynched in the United States.
This is now. When three white students in Jena committed this hate crime, hanging three nooses from the “white tree,” they evoked the ugly history of slavery, segregation, lynching, and police brutality to threaten the lives of Black students at their school. The “white tree” stands in Jena, Louisiana. The Jena 6, as the Black students have come to be called, are in prison and on trial for defending themselves against white supremacist attacks.
The Jena 6 were arrested in December 2006. The outrageously high bail ranged from $70,000-$138,000, leaving most of them stuck in jail for months.
The first student to go to trial this June was Mychal Bell, who waited behind bars, unable to post bail. Like a scene from the Jim Crow South, he was judged by an all-white jury, in a courtroom run by a white judge. Whites sat with Justin Barker and his white lawyer on one side. Blacks sat with defendant Mychal Bell, who was represented by a court-appointed attorney.
The prosecutor called 16 witnesses, mostly white students. The court-appointed defense attorney called none. Accounts of the incident, who was involved, and who did what, vary highly, including whether Mychal Bell was the one who first punched Justin Barker. Barker’s attorney argued that Bell’s tennis shoes on his feet were a “dangerous weapon.” The trial was so outrageous that when a Louisiana TV station polled viewers, 62% said that Mychal Bell was not getting a fair trial.
Mychal Bell was convicted of two felonies: aggravated second-degree battery and conspiracy to commit aggravated second-degree battery. He faces up to 22 years in prison. The remaining five defendants await their trials.
Standing Up to Racism
Few people in the United States have heard of the case of the Jena 6. But the trial was covered by the French newspaper Le Monde, and the BBC aired a documentary on the case. The London Observer reported on the Jena 6 story.
Family, friends, and supporters of the young men are protesting and struggling to free the Jena 6. The Black community in Jena and people from across Louisiana and Texas have come together to support the Jena 6 and fight the injustice of their trials. People have put their lives on hold, and churches have opened their doors. The Jena 6 and their supporters are defiant and continue to be under attack. Marcus Jones told Revolution about the most recent event: "Thursday night we had an NAACP meeting here at the church. The next day, in the morning, the pastor goes to his church and somebody just clean ran through his church yard, knocked his sign down, ran over back and forth on it with they truck, and just took off, you know. People report it to the police (laughs). What good they gonna do here, I don't know."
The majority of Jena’s estimated 385 Black people live in an area of town known as Ward 10. Many homes there are trailers or wooden shacks. Rubbish lies in the streets. Only two Black families live in the all white middle class suburban area of Jena. An article in the Observer recounts how one of them bought a house: “A teacher from Jena High had enough money to buy his way in. But when he arrived local estate agents refused to show him a ‘white’ property even though several were advertised in the local paper (‘they're all under contract,’ the agents lied). The teacher eventually went to see one white owner and offered him cash. ‘The guy preferred green [dollars] to Black, so I got the property,’ laughed the teacher, ‘but since we moved in three years ago we haven't been invited by a single neighbor.’”
The “white tree” stands in Jena, Louisiana today while entire neighborhoods and precious lives in the 9th ward of New Orleans are left wasting away, even as the more profitable and less Black areas of the city are rebuilt. It stands while a father, a mother, a fiancée, a child, and many friends are still feeling the devastating loss of Sean Bell who was murdered by the NYPD. It stands while the Rutgers University basketball team gets subjected to racist and sexist verbal assault from a national talk show host. While the N word is spouted with rage by a comedian.
In a world such as this, there's nothing left to do but pull this tree up by its roots and get rid of it for good.

http://friendsofjustice.wordpress.com/

Search: Jena 6 on youtube

My View On Turning 30+++++++++

My eternal friend ask me to dust off my writing brain and do an entry for her website. Well, a short story about turning and being in your thirties. Although, I consider myself a mildly talented writer I hadn't written in a super long time. But, to quote the cowardly lion from The Wizard of OZ" " A promise is a promise" So I wrote a little story want read it here it go:

On July 4th of this year my sister in law celebrated her 30th birthday. As we all gathered around her and the cake to sing to her I noticed the look of dread on her face. Facing the cake comically illuminated with 30 candles I saw it. The reality of turning 30 had hit her and she was scared. As the family raps up a sorely out of tune version of Stevie Wonder’s Happy Birthday remix my father in law shouts “You old now gurl ain’t ya. It’s all down hill from here.” I glared at him thinking now would be a good time for me to develop a secret super power of being able to melt people with my laser eyes. I could see the tears well up in her eyes as she glanced at every one and faked a smile. Amidst all the laughter I shouted out” Trust me it is just about to get good for you. They don’t call it dirty thirty for nothing. You’ll see the thirties is the shit.” Everyone looks at me like a woman possessed but, I meant every word of it.

Later that night when the crowd had gone home my sister in law and I were sitting around nursing the last of a huge bottle of Brandy. I turn to her and say “You know I meant what I said earlier. If you do it right you will really love being in your thirties. I know you are married with kids but in my opinion you don’t really start becoming a woman until you hit thirty.” She smiles her inebriated smile, lifts her drink up to me and mumbles “God, I sure hope you are right” I smile back; lift my drink in return and down the last swig of Brandy.

I remember when I was quickly approaching my thirtieth and my older friends would rant and rave about how great the big 3-0 was. Back then in my 20 something naivety I thought it was big old lie they were telling me to make them feel better about getting older. I quickly discovered it was not a lie at all. Since turning 30 some 7 years ago I have learned about me. I don’t feel the need to sugar coat my words, or explain my actions. I don’t apologize for my mistakes and I no longer beat myself up over them either. I don’t live by someone else’s definitions of what I should be, how I should look or what I should wear. My madness is my own even without rhyme or reason. I can drink with the best of the 20 something crowd but I have the wisdom to know when to stop so I don’t pass out in my on ..well. you get the picture. I take pleasure in my size 10 frame. I can still hooch it out with the best of them while still being able to maintain a level of class women in their 20’s have not yet discovered. I can walk up to a man any man of any age and know for sure he could me mine with the bat of an eyelash. The world is my candy store and I attract them all from 22-62. Yea, you can’t do that in your twenties.

Since turning thirty life has kicked my ass. I have lived the best and worst of times. I have seen divorce, foreclosure, job loss, miscarriage etc. But, now I have resilience, a toughness that allows me to learn and survive every obstacle and road block. If I had encountered these things in my twenties I would still be in a corner eating graham crackers and playing with my bottom lip, while popping Zoloft like candy.

Now, don’t get me wrong thirty still has it’s effects. I have to take my glasses off to read close up. I relish my bed time of 9pm and still cuss at the discovery of the occasional gray hair. I use age fighting skin care (because I’m not stupid) and I know yoga is the really the true reason why my ass is not sitting on the back of my legs. It’s takes a little more work to keep it all in the right place. Too much rap music gives me a huge headache and I have know all of Victoria’s Secrets because I use them all..smoke and mirrors baby..smoke and mirrors. But, my wisdom is real, my confidence is solid. My tears are less and they do not compromise my strength. I try my damndest to find joy in everyday life. Sometimes I fail. I value my friendships. I understand how importance true love really is and I respect the power behind it. I tolerate less, and when I speak I am sure of the words that I say. I love a good party yet I have learned to be alone without being lonely. I am a woman and as my mom would say” I am all the way grown.”

I will say it again. Thirty is the shit. If thirty is this good then like the “kids” say 40 must be off the hezzie.