It's my birthday.. well it was

A week ago today it was my birthday. I turned 37 years young. Although, I still sport my youthful resilience and don’t look a day over27 I am celebrating my tip top towards 40. My birthday came and went without the usual fan fare. My mom said it was a sign of my maturity I say it was a sign of my brokenness. Tomato.. Tomatoe. However, you look at it my day passed and left me in deep thought. Grateful I survived and I do mean survived another year. Sad the year wasn’t at all the year I would have preferred it be. I promised myself that 37 would be better and different. Starting with this move that is before me.
Ok.. right now just getting to the move is daunting task but, not completely impossible. Casanova Brown has finally started to take real action not just talk after I said I found an apartment here and was ready to sign the lease (only a partial lie).

I spent some significant phone time with my therapist ..ok my eternal friend about life and how we ARE NOT living it to it’s fullest. I recently read a statement that life is too short but, when you are unhappy it’s long as HELL.. AMEN to that. So my quest for year 37.. to find my happiness. Speaking of happiness…or lack there of..

Today is.. ok was my wedding anniversary(starter marriage). 15 years ago today I looked at the future father of my children and vowed to love him forever, for better or worse, honor and obey.. you know all that crap. Yea, well that didn’t quite work out now did it? I always get reminiscent on this day. Thinking about how I really meant those words (when I said them) while knowing that getting married wasn’t one of my more brilliant ideas. Still cleaning up the mess of that decision in the form of late or non existent child support payments, baby daddy arguments and nauseated feeling I get when I see his name on the caller id calling for the kids. I see why I worry about the decision I make now. My track record hasn’t been all that great. I did break the family curse of never being married longer than 10 yrs. I was married 11. Hah!!! I often wonder how life would have been if A. I hadn’t married him at all or B. I stayed married to him. Mostly I think that when late at night I am stressing over bills, and kids and Casanova Brown.

Anyway, life must go on and it is. I am preparing right not to have a fabulous 38 birthday complete with hilarious tales of happiness and how I found it. Maybe , I will move on to celebrating the anniversary of marriage number two and thanking God that marriage number 1 didn’t last.

Humph…