Damsel in Distress

damsel
One entry found.
damsel

Main Entry:
dam·sel
noun
Etymology:
Middle English damesel, from Anglo-French dameisele, from Vulgar Latin *domnicella young noblewoman, diminutive of Latin domina lady
Date: 13th century
: a young woman: aarchaic : a young unmarried woman of noble birth b: girl

I was talking to my eternal friend last night and we were discussing has life has changed us. Ok, we were really talking about how life has changed me. In the conversation I told her I was tired of being in need. That since my lay-off and divorce that I have allowed life to beat me down and live me there in essence I was tired (she also reminded me I make that claim at least once a month). Anyway, I then said that I was tired of being a damsel in distress and I miss the confident self reliant person I use to be. With her infinite wisdom she replied “Yea, I don’t remember you ever being a damsel much less one in distress”, Dang, I had to laugh at that one myself. That was indeed funny. After, our conversation ended I sat and thought about what she said.

I remember a line from one of my favorite movies Under The Tuscan Sun. When the one friend says to the Diane Lane character” Sometimes you become so comfortable in your unhappiness you stay there.” Or something like that.
It was true. Before my tussle with life I did live more on my own terms. Well, completely on my own terms. I have allowed my situation to define and in turn change me. Now, don’t get me wrong. I have also learned some valuable life lessons these past few years that have changed me for the better. I am a little softer around the edges. But, now I feel like my diva is being compromised. Of course, this is a revelation to me only because as my friend told me last night she has been saying this forever. Funny … funny...

Then I looked up the word Damsel and in essence it means girl. GIRL.. GIRL ---as in child. I have become a girl losing my womanly status. That spoke volumes to me. Now my friend (I need to give her a blog name) has been my friend practically since birth. She has seen the many evolutions of me and to think through all of those she never saw me as a GIRL.. until now. WOW…
I just can’t get my head around it.

I am beginning my campaign to find the woman in me again keeping some of the lessons I have learned thus far. Fighting for what it is I think I deserve instead of settling for what life hands me. I say the same to my friend. I see you heading down that road. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT PATH…Fight back. So you won’t be a damsel in distress..

This Too Shall Pass

Life is a little hard right now. But, this too shall pass

I am indecisive..wishy/washy..fickle. I have life ADD

I realized that my decision making skills are truly challenged. I am indecisive. ...non-committal..wishy/washy... dare I say fickle. It frustrates me to no end I cannot or seem unable to make a decision especially a life changing decision and stick to it. I don't remember always being that way either. I wonder exactly when I lost confidence in my decision making skills which in turn has put me in a position where life happens to me and I am not controlling life.

I am sure as you read this you are saying to yourself. You just go after what you want in life. You know goal setting and all that. But, I don't

think .. I don't think I truly know what I want. Yea, the house the cars the job..I want all that (again). People tell me to listen to God and follow where he leads. Then even then I wonder is that me or God that I hear. (stop laughing) Maybe I over analyze. Maybe I over analyze my analyzing. Maybe, I just have trouble with commitment. Yea, now that one I can see that one being possibly true.

I admire my little sister when it comes to that. She can make a decision good bad or ugly and stick with it. She doesn't bog her self down with the one million and one scenarios it can play out she commits to and it and if it works great if not then that's great to. On to the next plan. I wonder if that was me at one time. I bet it was . I miss her. Have you seen her. The person I was when I could make a decision.

Now my head is swirling with decisions about leaving, staying. Where to go Arizona, Texas, Oregon, ..etc.. When to leave and what is the best way to go about it. If I stay(which is an option) where do I work now(either way I need more money and more responsibilty). Where do I move to. Which apartment what neighborhood.

Oh gawd!!!!!!!!!!!

Then after my brain explodes and oozes out my ear. I am back at square one. What do I do?

I want to be bold then I want to be safe. Truly I think I need some medicaition. Maybe, that is the first decision I need to make. Whether or not to seek professional help. Maybe it's a chemical imbalance or a biological mental disorder. See here I go.

I'm gonna stop wasting company time well really my time I only have 8 mins left on lunch.

I think

I was devastated by this story

Please read this story and check out the links below. Share it with your children. Discuss it with your kids. Regardless of what race you are. This makes my heart heavy.

(Below is a copyof an online article. )

Jena, Louisiana: Nooses and White Supremacy
By Alice Woodward

On a late summer day in 2006, in Jena, Louisiana, a Black high school student asked permission to sit beneath the “white tree” in front of the town’s high school. It was unspoken law that this shady area was for whites only during school breaks. But a student asked, and the vice principal said nothing was stopping them. So Black students sat underneath the tree, challenging the established authority of segregation and racism. The next day, hanging from the tree, were three ropes, in school colors, each tied to make a noose.
The events set in motion by those nooses led to a schoolyard fight. And that fight led to the conviction, on June 28, 2007, of a Black student at Jena High School for charges that can bring up to 22 years in prison. Mychal Bell, a 16-year-old sophomore football star at the time he was arrested, was convicted by an all-white jury, without a single witness being called on his behalf. And five more Black students in Jena still face serious charges stemming from the fight.
* * *
Caseptla Bailey, a Black community leader and mother of one of the Black students, told the London Observer, “To us those nooses meant the KKK, they meant, ‘Niggers, we're going to kill you, we're going to hang you till you die.’" The attack was brushed off as a “youthful stunt.” The three white students responsible, given only three days of in-school suspension.
In response to the incident, several Black students, among them star players on the football team, staged a sit-in under the tree. The principal reacted by bringing in the white district attorney, Reed Walters, and 10 local police officers to an all-school assembly. Marcus Jones, Mychal Bell’s father, described the assembly to Revolution:
"Now remember, with everything that goes on at Jena High School, everybody's separated. The only time when Black and white kids are together is in the classroom and when they playing sports together. During lunch time, Blacks sit on one side, whites sit on the other side of the cafeteria. During canteen time, Blacks sit on one side of the campus, whites sit on the other side of the campus.
“At any activity done in the auditorium—anything—Blacks sit on one side, whites on the other side, okay? The DA tells the principal to call the students in the auditorium. They get in there. The DA tells the Black students, he's looking directly at the Black students—remember, whites on one side, Blacks on the other side—he's looking directly at the Black students. He told them to keep their mouths shut about the boys hanging their nooses up. If he hears anything else about it, he can make their lives go away with the stroke of his pen."
DA Walters concluded that the students should “work it out on their own.” Police officers roamed the halls of the school that week, and tensions simmered throughout the fall semester.
In November, as football season came to a close, the main school building was mysteriously burned to the ground. This traumatic event seemed to bring to the surface the boiling racial tensions in Jena.
On a Friday night, Robert Bailey, a 17-year-old Black student and football player, was invited to a dance at a hall considered to be “white.” When he walked in, without warning he was punched in the face, knocked on the ground and attacked by a group of white youth. Only one of the white youth was arrested—he was ultimately given probation and asked to apologize.
The night after that, a 22-year-old white man, along with two friends, pulled a gun on Bailey and two of his friends at a local gas station. The Black youths wrestled the gun from him to prevent him from using it. They were arrested and charged with theft, and the white man went free.
The following Monday students returned to school. In the midst of a confrontation between a white student, Justin Barker, and a Black student, Robert Bailey—where Bailey was taunted for having been beaten up that weekend—a chaotic fray ensued. Barker was allegedly knocked down, punched, and kicked by a number of Black students. He was taken to the hospital for a few hours and was seen out socializing later that evening.
Six Black students—Robert Bailey Junior, Theo Shaw, Carwin Jones, Bryant Purvis, Mychal Bell, and a still unidentified minor, allegedly the attackers of Justin Barker—were arrested, charged with attempted second degree manslaughter, and expelled from school.
White Supremacy Then and Now
This did not all happen in the “Red Summer” of 1919 when Jim Crow segregation thrived, and Blacks in major cities faced race riots that raged throughout the country. This did not occur in the 1950s after Brown vs. Board of Education was decided in 1954 and young children faced angry white mobs to make history in desegregating public schools. This did not happen in the summer of 1955 when, in Money, Mississippi, a vibrant Black youth by the name of Emmett Till was brutally murdered for whistling at a white woman. This did not occur in 1960, when on February 1 four Black college students sat in at a “white only” lunch counter, demanding service and launching the civil rights movement to another level. This did not happen during the period 1865 to 1965 during which 3,446 Black people were lynched in the United States.
This is now. When three white students in Jena committed this hate crime, hanging three nooses from the “white tree,” they evoked the ugly history of slavery, segregation, lynching, and police brutality to threaten the lives of Black students at their school. The “white tree” stands in Jena, Louisiana. The Jena 6, as the Black students have come to be called, are in prison and on trial for defending themselves against white supremacist attacks.
The Jena 6 were arrested in December 2006. The outrageously high bail ranged from $70,000-$138,000, leaving most of them stuck in jail for months.
The first student to go to trial this June was Mychal Bell, who waited behind bars, unable to post bail. Like a scene from the Jim Crow South, he was judged by an all-white jury, in a courtroom run by a white judge. Whites sat with Justin Barker and his white lawyer on one side. Blacks sat with defendant Mychal Bell, who was represented by a court-appointed attorney.
The prosecutor called 16 witnesses, mostly white students. The court-appointed defense attorney called none. Accounts of the incident, who was involved, and who did what, vary highly, including whether Mychal Bell was the one who first punched Justin Barker. Barker’s attorney argued that Bell’s tennis shoes on his feet were a “dangerous weapon.” The trial was so outrageous that when a Louisiana TV station polled viewers, 62% said that Mychal Bell was not getting a fair trial.
Mychal Bell was convicted of two felonies: aggravated second-degree battery and conspiracy to commit aggravated second-degree battery. He faces up to 22 years in prison. The remaining five defendants await their trials.
Standing Up to Racism
Few people in the United States have heard of the case of the Jena 6. But the trial was covered by the French newspaper Le Monde, and the BBC aired a documentary on the case. The London Observer reported on the Jena 6 story.
Family, friends, and supporters of the young men are protesting and struggling to free the Jena 6. The Black community in Jena and people from across Louisiana and Texas have come together to support the Jena 6 and fight the injustice of their trials. People have put their lives on hold, and churches have opened their doors. The Jena 6 and their supporters are defiant and continue to be under attack. Marcus Jones told Revolution about the most recent event: "Thursday night we had an NAACP meeting here at the church. The next day, in the morning, the pastor goes to his church and somebody just clean ran through his church yard, knocked his sign down, ran over back and forth on it with they truck, and just took off, you know. People report it to the police (laughs). What good they gonna do here, I don't know."
The majority of Jena’s estimated 385 Black people live in an area of town known as Ward 10. Many homes there are trailers or wooden shacks. Rubbish lies in the streets. Only two Black families live in the all white middle class suburban area of Jena. An article in the Observer recounts how one of them bought a house: “A teacher from Jena High had enough money to buy his way in. But when he arrived local estate agents refused to show him a ‘white’ property even though several were advertised in the local paper (‘they're all under contract,’ the agents lied). The teacher eventually went to see one white owner and offered him cash. ‘The guy preferred green [dollars] to Black, so I got the property,’ laughed the teacher, ‘but since we moved in three years ago we haven't been invited by a single neighbor.’”
The “white tree” stands in Jena, Louisiana today while entire neighborhoods and precious lives in the 9th ward of New Orleans are left wasting away, even as the more profitable and less Black areas of the city are rebuilt. It stands while a father, a mother, a fiancée, a child, and many friends are still feeling the devastating loss of Sean Bell who was murdered by the NYPD. It stands while the Rutgers University basketball team gets subjected to racist and sexist verbal assault from a national talk show host. While the N word is spouted with rage by a comedian.
In a world such as this, there's nothing left to do but pull this tree up by its roots and get rid of it for good.

http://friendsofjustice.wordpress.com/

Search: Jena 6 on youtube

My View On Turning 30+++++++++

My eternal friend ask me to dust off my writing brain and do an entry for her website. Well, a short story about turning and being in your thirties. Although, I consider myself a mildly talented writer I hadn't written in a super long time. But, to quote the cowardly lion from The Wizard of OZ" " A promise is a promise" So I wrote a little story want read it here it go:

On July 4th of this year my sister in law celebrated her 30th birthday. As we all gathered around her and the cake to sing to her I noticed the look of dread on her face. Facing the cake comically illuminated with 30 candles I saw it. The reality of turning 30 had hit her and she was scared. As the family raps up a sorely out of tune version of Stevie Wonder’s Happy Birthday remix my father in law shouts “You old now gurl ain’t ya. It’s all down hill from here.” I glared at him thinking now would be a good time for me to develop a secret super power of being able to melt people with my laser eyes. I could see the tears well up in her eyes as she glanced at every one and faked a smile. Amidst all the laughter I shouted out” Trust me it is just about to get good for you. They don’t call it dirty thirty for nothing. You’ll see the thirties is the shit.” Everyone looks at me like a woman possessed but, I meant every word of it.

Later that night when the crowd had gone home my sister in law and I were sitting around nursing the last of a huge bottle of Brandy. I turn to her and say “You know I meant what I said earlier. If you do it right you will really love being in your thirties. I know you are married with kids but in my opinion you don’t really start becoming a woman until you hit thirty.” She smiles her inebriated smile, lifts her drink up to me and mumbles “God, I sure hope you are right” I smile back; lift my drink in return and down the last swig of Brandy.

I remember when I was quickly approaching my thirtieth and my older friends would rant and rave about how great the big 3-0 was. Back then in my 20 something naivety I thought it was big old lie they were telling me to make them feel better about getting older. I quickly discovered it was not a lie at all. Since turning 30 some 7 years ago I have learned about me. I don’t feel the need to sugar coat my words, or explain my actions. I don’t apologize for my mistakes and I no longer beat myself up over them either. I don’t live by someone else’s definitions of what I should be, how I should look or what I should wear. My madness is my own even without rhyme or reason. I can drink with the best of the 20 something crowd but I have the wisdom to know when to stop so I don’t pass out in my on ..well. you get the picture. I take pleasure in my size 10 frame. I can still hooch it out with the best of them while still being able to maintain a level of class women in their 20’s have not yet discovered. I can walk up to a man any man of any age and know for sure he could me mine with the bat of an eyelash. The world is my candy store and I attract them all from 22-62. Yea, you can’t do that in your twenties.

Since turning thirty life has kicked my ass. I have lived the best and worst of times. I have seen divorce, foreclosure, job loss, miscarriage etc. But, now I have resilience, a toughness that allows me to learn and survive every obstacle and road block. If I had encountered these things in my twenties I would still be in a corner eating graham crackers and playing with my bottom lip, while popping Zoloft like candy.

Now, don’t get me wrong thirty still has it’s effects. I have to take my glasses off to read close up. I relish my bed time of 9pm and still cuss at the discovery of the occasional gray hair. I use age fighting skin care (because I’m not stupid) and I know yoga is the really the true reason why my ass is not sitting on the back of my legs. It’s takes a little more work to keep it all in the right place. Too much rap music gives me a huge headache and I have know all of Victoria’s Secrets because I use them all..smoke and mirrors baby..smoke and mirrors. But, my wisdom is real, my confidence is solid. My tears are less and they do not compromise my strength. I try my damndest to find joy in everyday life. Sometimes I fail. I value my friendships. I understand how importance true love really is and I respect the power behind it. I tolerate less, and when I speak I am sure of the words that I say. I love a good party yet I have learned to be alone without being lonely. I am a woman and as my mom would say” I am all the way grown.”

I will say it again. Thirty is the shit. If thirty is this good then like the “kids” say 40 must be off the hezzie.

Well, I made it to Arizona and back. As soon as I landed I fell in love with the flat lands and blazing heat and I do mean BLAZING. While the heat did completely burn up the rest of my relaxer and left me with a sun burn (yes we do burn). I am still super happy with the city.

The days that Casanova Brown was at work I spent hanging time around the city and contemplating life there. Excluding Cassie Brown as a factor could I make a new and more importantly better life for me and the lil divas here? What could I give them here (besides a saner mom) that I can’t give them in our current locale? I sat and really thought about my life and how it looks. I examined it from every angle and considered the outcome of every sincere attempt to make it ..right or even better. It made me sad that still 3 ½ yrs after my divorce my finances are still highly unstable. Two years after being laid off I am still chasing down a job that will let me make at least half of what I use to. As the oldest enters high school this year I think about how I loved my high school years. I remember my mother doing all she could so I could completely enjoy the high school experience. Trust that ain’t cheap. I had a car, a new car before I had a license. She worked two jobs and I worked also so I could get clothes at the hottest mall store now known as Express. Parties, football games, field trips…college. All those things circle my mind constantly. The little one turned 10 this month. I mustered up and sacrificed so she could get a Nintendo DS she had been waiting two years for. She got that and no party. That made me sad.

So I asked myself was Phoenix my promised land? Casanova Brown aside. I enjoyed my trip and I have a way funny store about how Cassie Brown is a fool (next blog entry) but, I came home with a game plan. I finished my resume and prayed over each submission. I had yet another heartfelt conversation with God about my situation and where my life is right now. I asked that he not just listen to my words but, see inside my heart. On the outside it may look like I am chasing a man. Not true. I am looking for more and after checking each and every nook and cranny where we are currently located I know it’s not here.

So I am boxing it up and heading out. I plan to shut it down and head out on or around August 30th. Quick huh?!! I will try to brace the girls as much as I can for the transition.
I remember the new city, new school jitters. But, it’s my love for THEM that gives the strength to even attempt this. I asked that God be with me either way. Even if it blows up in my face (which I am not counting on) I know that God has my back.

In the end I pray that Phoenix is my return. Where I rise. Much like the bird it’s named after. Yea, that’s it. Phoenix will be where I rise(please hold all Maya Angelou jokes)

This entry started out being about my trip to Phoenix. But, I guess my heart had more to say.

Tomorrow is it .I head out to Arizona to check out what life is like in the desert and see what Casanova Brown has been complaining about. All things considered I am excited for a lot reasons. I am super stressed with finances and job searching so the break mentally will be nice. Hoping that while I am gone Jesus would have taken the wheel and got us a little further down the road than we were when I left.

Cassie Brown and I have been arguing like cats and dogs or dogs in heat you pick in the last five days. Leaving me with fingers crossed that this will still be a stress free trip. I am claiming nothing else. Although, I am starting to see our relationship with a different eye since he left right now I am still open to options. I have a plan A and B. I guess we will see which one is the right one.

I am so ready to START a new. Make a brave new change that totally pushes me in the right direction and I won’t lie. I totally want to do it with a partner. I just pray I am wise enough to pick the right partner. Can’t afford another divorce or wasted time on the wrong marriage.

I guess when I am totally honest with myself a lot is riding on this trip. Good things is he has internet so I can keep you posted real time.

Got to finish packing…..

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHO IN THE HELL ...

said it was a good idea to have a "National Holiday" on a Wednesday. I understand the importance of having July the 4th on the well.. July the 4th. But, this mid-week stuff
suxs. FO REAL. You know all the dang on eating and sitting in the sun I did all day yesterday
I am worn out. Dude, I am mean wiped. I look it to. Only one side of my hair wanted to comb today. Coincidentally it's the side I didn't sleep on. Oh, and my pants right now are reminding me just how much cow and pork I slammed down my throat yesterday. They are so tight my right leg is numb.

Then to top it all off I am super duper sleepy. Why in hell won't they invent silent fireworks.
For them suckers being illegal all of the over the state they sure were going off. All over the state. What exactly were the police doing? I thought they were everywhere you went to monitor that loud ass shit. Nope I think they were lighting them too.

Dang I'm sleepy!!!

So I can finally say with confidence.

I DO KNOW WHERE I AM GOING TO…!!!

As of July 1st I am officially in Operation Arizona mode. Well, first let me say this Casanova Brown is still in thinking mode. To quote him “I haven’t decided if I want to stay here or not”. Is his latest mantra but, at the same time he is checking out 4 and 5 bedroom houses and asking what I think. When I confront him with the obvious question of “Why wouldn’t you stay?”. His response is “I am bored. There is nothing to do. Maybe, it will be different when you come and check it out?” Yea… maybe. But, right now I am sold sight unseen. Here are my reasons:

NO WINTER
5 hour drive to LA-Mom lives there
8 hour drive to Vegas- The happiest place on earth (for adults!!)
9 hour drive to Denver –His family lives here..ok. mine too
2 hour drive to Mexico-Tequila up the ying yang and low cost prescription drugs
NO WINTER
Cost of living considerable lower!!
Plenty of job opportunities in my field.


Even with the 115 living in hell summer this place is ideal. I even heard rumors that my allergies will be better there. So you are telling me all that AND I can breathe!! HALLULJAH!!!!

I am convinced if I use the Law of attraction and positive thinking power I now have courtesy of “Oprah” and “The Secret” we all will settle down for a fun filled desert filled life in Arizona by October. I have set weekly daily, and monthly goals to ensure this process will go as smooth as possible. This week task: Have my resume posted on job sites by July 6, 2007. This task is really just a cover my bases kind of thing. I have also done research and scouted out the top three companies (with one in particular) in mind that I want to work for. I am serious. Steady and focused…..and a little scared. This is a major step. I mean Colorado isn’t my” home” but I have been here for 18 years. I accomplished all of life’s major obstacles here; graduating, getting married, having kids, buying a house, getting divorced, getting laid off, and going to jail….twice. I digress. But, it is time for me to head for new horizons.

What to do about Casanova Brown? Well. I am sure once I actually get there next week it will put a more positive spin on the whole situation. Being out there alone isn’t any fun. Hell, staying at home alone after so many hours loses its joy. Moving to another state altogether well that takes it to a new level. But, I am proud of him. It took a big gulp of Man Up Juice for him to get this far. Oh yea. He gets his first paycheck in a day or two. Money always makes any deal seem far sweeter. But, when I think about it for me moving isn’t about him as it about me and the lil divas and the lil divo. Arizona may not be a hot spot of activity but, it will allow us to open up more to the kids. Even at there tender ages they have seen all that Colorado can really offer. I guess some of that comes from my childhood. I lived in Virginia and Ohio on and off sometimes simultaneously until the age of 17(when we moved here.) Arizona may not be forever. That much I understand. I don’t think I could ever convince Cassie Brown to stay away from the cult. I ur… mean family that long. But, it will be enough to even open up his horizons. Hmnmm… doing a little domestic day dreaming. I digress.

So I will keep the world posted on the job hunt, the packing, the moving, the house selection and last but not least Casanova Brown’s ranting anger outburst, irrational and excessively long decision making and general denial of the fact he now lives in Arizona.