I had no idea how long I had been sitting there, quietly in the dark staring at him, watching him sleep. I don’t even remember what woke me up initially. Was it a sound in the house? Was it the absence of his skin against mind as he shuffled over to his side of the bed? I don’t know. But, there I was watching him sleep so soundly. The light from the moon shining in the window slightly up the room just enough for me to see the glistening of the ring on his third finger left hand. The room was still. It seemed that had stared at him so long that my breathing pattern now matched his. Noticing that my chest rose slightly when his did and fell along with his I thought we are perfectly in sync.
The thought made me laugh at myself and I whispered “Perfectly in sync”. Just then I looked down at my third finger left hand and watched as a glimpse moonlight flashed the diamond on my wedding band. Being perfectly in sync was the theme of today. There we were lying in bed together so in sync our breathing had the same rhythm ...same beat.
What had been a random joke for me over the past few years some had somehow become reality. I always joked and said that when I got married again it would be without fan fair or celebration. It would simply be a check on my list of things to do that day. You know get milk, go by the dry cleaners, buy cat and dog food, and oh yea get married.
At some point I know there had been some serious conversation leading up to today. But, I can‘t quite remember when the conversations stop being hypothetical and started becoming actual plans. The crazy part it was just as I had said it woudd be. It was simple, quiet and without fanfare.
No family just him and I exchanging vows, making promises, signing our names and going about our day. Well, not quite that matter of fact. We left the courthouse came home and changed for dinner. His sister, my sister in law dropped by but, neither one of us said a thing. I know she saw the rings but, she didn’t ask. She looked at me then him and smiled. Made up some about excuse about forgetting why she came by and left. I am sure to jump on the family super phone to tell everyone.
At dinner we talked about everything but the wedding. We talked about it but there was no giddiness, no rambles of all the plans that lay ahead of us. The only true reference all evening is when he asked me “What would you like to eat Mrs. Jennings.” Oddly, enough hearing him say that made me tear up but, I shook it off and rattled off my order.
We finished dinner off and headed home.
We made love and passed out as usual. But, here I was sitting up watching him sleep breathing in sync. Watching glistening rings with one thought running through my mind .
"What have I done”
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Clinton gets the side eye
Clinton’s camp gets the major side eye for declaring they "are ready to throw in everything but the kitchen sink" OR if you ask me everything including the kitchen sink.
Clinton is past nervous and as my best friend said “ has become an angry black man” about winning Ohio and Texas. She needs these states to close the gap between her and Obama.
I am sure if she could hit Obama in the head with the kitchen sink she would be completely cool with that too. This woman is panic in motion and apparently has no problem showing just how desperate she is to win the nomination.
It causes me to think what kind of President would she be? How would she handle international conflict, making decisions (like going to war or coming out war) that may or may not be popular with the populace? You can’t throw the kitchen sink at everyone. All I can tell so far from Mrs. Clinton is she sweats under pressure and has no problem showing her claws if she feels like her back is against the wall. A typical girl fight move.
I am sure if she could hit Obama in the head with the kitchen sink she would be completely cool with that too. This woman is panic in motion and apparently has no problem showing just how desperate she is to win the nomination.
It causes me to think what kind of President would she be? How would she handle international conflict, making decisions (like going to war or coming out war) that may or may not be popular with the populace? You can’t throw the kitchen sink at everyone. All I can tell so far from Mrs. Clinton is she sweats under pressure and has no problem showing her claws if she feels like her back is against the wall. A typical girl fight move.
Clinton is pissed and scared at the same time and ready to break out into a full windmill on Obama’s head. I am gonna need Mrs. Clinton to not act like me on any given night at the club 4 Henny and apple juices in pissed off because the girl in the bathroom stall is taking to long so I start talking much shit about her and her friend with the bad weave.
Why must she be so ghetto. Why must I? (anyway)
Mrs. Clinton was even quoted saying to Obama “ meet me in Ohio, and let’s have a debate about your tactics and your behavior in this campaign” Isn’t this the equivalent to “meet me outside the club beyotch and we will see who can beat who’s ass” I guess al l that talking about Clinton being the first black President has some truth behind it. Clearly, Mrs. Clinton has picked up on some pimp game of her own. Bad pimp game. But, pimp game just the same.
Truth is, I feel that Hillary is running the chances for future women to run. Showing so much emotion and a clear evidence of her losing her grip does not look good for others that choose to follow in her foot steps.
As stated on T.he T.oday S.how this morning” she is showing true signs of desperation” Desperate doesn’t look good on any o
Friday, February 22, 2008
The Aftermath
Trina hated that time in their lives. All of it was bad at that time all the lies, the heartache the overall deception. She still struggled daily with the memories of it. The smallest things triggered it. It could be a song she would hear on the radio, a sad song that she used to console herself during that period. Sometimes she would find herself writing out a date on a form at work and her mind would flash back to where they were two years ago on that date. Other times it would be a conversation that started out innocent and somehow it takes a bad turn and they end up almost discussing that time back then. It was an instant mood changer for her it was like a car hitting a brick wall. Leaving just the pieces of the conversation and her heart e scattered on the floor as she abruptly walked away.
Tonight it was a simple trip to the movies.
“Babe” he said as he entered the room.
:
“The movie you want to see is only playing at the Regal show times are 8:00, 8:45..”
In her mind his voice trailed off. She didn’t hear anything past the words The Regal.
There she was stuck on memories of rumors of him being seen there with her. Then the questions began. What theatre did they sit in? How many times had they gone there with out her knowing? What did they order from concessions? Did they hold hands in the movie? Does she talk during the movies? There she was lost once again stuck in the middle of all that pain.
“Babe” did you hear me?
“Huh” she replied.
“The movie. At The Regal? The show times? Did you hear anything I said?” She could hear the irritation in his voice.
She looked over at him and instantly his face changed and he dropped the paper on the floor.
“T, we can’t do this forever. How long will I be on probation? “
Good question she thought. But, she responded with “But, I didn’t say anything.”
She smile a weak half ass smile at him.
“No, but your face says it all. We have to get to the point when that doesn’t overshadow everything that goes on in this house. How long are you going to slap me in the face because I .” he stopped there.
“Because, you cheated? You want me to get past it. But, you can’t even say it.”
“I can say it. I am tired of saying it. I am trying my best. Trina if I didn’t want to be here.”
“Yes, I know” she interrupted. “You wouldn’t be here.”
“Look, I am fine. Pick whatever time and I will be ready to go. I am fine, we are fine and it’s all fine to me” Trina stood up and walked over to Alonzo, kissed him gently on the lips. Leaned back and smiled. “I said we are good. I was thinking about something completely different. You miss read my expression. I am going up stairs to get ready. Holla, when it’s time to leave”
“Humph” he sighed.
Trina’s eyes welled up with tears the second her foot hit the bottom stair. She quickly wiped her eyes just in case he was watching her walk up the stairs. If he saw her crying it would open up a whole can of worms and evening of rehashing of every last detail. A conversation she just did not want to have again.
Just as Trina hit the top stairs he calls out to her.
“Trina.” He shouts. She stops and stands still.
“Yea” She shouts back.
“I really love you”
“Humph” she responds quietly and closes the bedroom door behind her.
.
Tonight it was a simple trip to the movies.
“Babe” he said as he entered the room.
:
“The movie you want to see is only playing at the Regal show times are 8:00, 8:45..”
In her mind his voice trailed off. She didn’t hear anything past the words The Regal.
There she was stuck on memories of rumors of him being seen there with her. Then the questions began. What theatre did they sit in? How many times had they gone there with out her knowing? What did they order from concessions? Did they hold hands in the movie? Does she talk during the movies? There she was lost once again stuck in the middle of all that pain.
“Babe” did you hear me?
“Huh” she replied.
“The movie. At The Regal? The show times? Did you hear anything I said?” She could hear the irritation in his voice.
She looked over at him and instantly his face changed and he dropped the paper on the floor.
“T, we can’t do this forever. How long will I be on probation? “
Good question she thought. But, she responded with “But, I didn’t say anything.”
She smile a weak half ass smile at him.
“No, but your face says it all. We have to get to the point when that doesn’t overshadow everything that goes on in this house. How long are you going to slap me in the face because I .” he stopped there.
“Because, you cheated? You want me to get past it. But, you can’t even say it.”
“I can say it. I am tired of saying it. I am trying my best. Trina if I didn’t want to be here.”
“Yes, I know” she interrupted. “You wouldn’t be here.”
“Look, I am fine. Pick whatever time and I will be ready to go. I am fine, we are fine and it’s all fine to me” Trina stood up and walked over to Alonzo, kissed him gently on the lips. Leaned back and smiled. “I said we are good. I was thinking about something completely different. You miss read my expression. I am going up stairs to get ready. Holla, when it’s time to leave”
“Humph” he sighed.
Trina’s eyes welled up with tears the second her foot hit the bottom stair. She quickly wiped her eyes just in case he was watching her walk up the stairs. If he saw her crying it would open up a whole can of worms and evening of rehashing of every last detail. A conversation she just did not want to have again.
Just as Trina hit the top stairs he calls out to her.
“Trina.” He shouts. She stops and stands still.
“Yea” She shouts back.
“I really love you”
“Humph” she responds quietly and closes the bedroom door behind her.
.
An evolving author.
I love to write. If you hadn't noticed. Which is the number one reason I started this blog.
Although, the world provides plenty of juicy material to write about. I often struggle with
airing my perspective on it all.
So I sat down and thought what is it that I really want to do with my blog? I want to write.
PERIOD.
So I am going to do just that. You may get an occasional post of my latest soap box tyrant.
But, I really want to dust off my writing brain and starte sharing with you bits and pieces
of my literary world.
Feel free to comment. Some of the entries my be consistent stories. Some may just be short scenes that are on my mind as I see them right then and there.
Please bear with me while I find my way. If you I write about something you want more of let me know that too.
Who knows maybe this will inspire my first novel.
Thanks
ME
Although, the world provides plenty of juicy material to write about. I often struggle with
airing my perspective on it all.
So I sat down and thought what is it that I really want to do with my blog? I want to write.
PERIOD.
So I am going to do just that. You may get an occasional post of my latest soap box tyrant.
But, I really want to dust off my writing brain and starte sharing with you bits and pieces
of my literary world.
Feel free to comment. Some of the entries my be consistent stories. Some may just be short scenes that are on my mind as I see them right then and there.
Please bear with me while I find my way. If you I write about something you want more of let me know that too.
Who knows maybe this will inspire my first novel.
Thanks
ME
Monday, February 04, 2008
What do you do when it just dont fit???
We have all face the challenge of out growing things we love. Our favorite pair of Express jeans. That cute polo you held on to from the 12th grade that was once baggy but now grabs your boobs pushing them together and makes them look school girl sexy. The strappy funk me sandals you wore to the club before you had the kids. Now they hurt and although you can actually put them on and wear them as long as no walking is involved. As we out grow things we love we eventually come to peace with them and get new things we may not love as much but they fit. We get new jeans that fit better in the right places with a higher waist and a little more but room. We give up the polo that looks like a baby shirt and replace it with a respectable work appropriated sexy but authorative button down. My point is we move on.
But, what do we do when we outgrow our relationships. When all of sudden for reasons you can't recall the two you just don't fit. You try to figure out who out grew who and when did it happen.
Just like your favorite jeans weren't you just great together a week ago. Now, you are uncomfortable and although you can squeeze into it and make it look like it fits something doesn't feel ...well quite right. Everyday interactions at times feel forced and uncomfortable like when you try to sit down in those now to small jeans.
I still have my favorite Express jeans. Occasionally when a busy life and poor eating habits get the best of me I can wear them. The bliss is temporary I get a couple good wearings. I think I look hot and about the third attempt I have to suck in to try to button them. I fold them up and back in the closet on the shelve they go. Sometimes I even take them out to reminense about all the great times we had. Hmmm..
Relationships are like your old polo or your jeans. When you out grow them it is properly permanent. Since I haven't amde my decision or accepted it. I guess I will keep trying this relationship on to see if it's really tight in the hips and snug on the butt until there is no denying to either one of us it just don't fit anymore. For either one of us.
But, what do we do when we outgrow our relationships. When all of sudden for reasons you can't recall the two you just don't fit. You try to figure out who out grew who and when did it happen.
Just like your favorite jeans weren't you just great together a week ago. Now, you are uncomfortable and although you can squeeze into it and make it look like it fits something doesn't feel ...well quite right. Everyday interactions at times feel forced and uncomfortable like when you try to sit down in those now to small jeans.
I still have my favorite Express jeans. Occasionally when a busy life and poor eating habits get the best of me I can wear them. The bliss is temporary I get a couple good wearings. I think I look hot and about the third attempt I have to suck in to try to button them. I fold them up and back in the closet on the shelve they go. Sometimes I even take them out to reminense about all the great times we had. Hmmm..
Relationships are like your old polo or your jeans. When you out grow them it is properly permanent. Since I haven't amde my decision or accepted it. I guess I will keep trying this relationship on to see if it's really tight in the hips and snug on the butt until there is no denying to either one of us it just don't fit anymore. For either one of us.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
HAPPINESS IS A MOVING TARGET
This morning "T.he T.oday S.how" did a piece on happiness. Basically, they had a panel of three people representing three phases of life your 20's,30's and40' s+. Each one gave an argument on the challenges and the possibilities to finding happiness.
The panel surmised that happiness is easier to find after 35 because the closer you get to 40 you just accept that some dreams aren't coming true. You come to accept the challenges that life has thrown your way and you learn the art in finding happiness in simpler things. Sounds like a trip to pleasant hills retirement home to me. One panelist went on to say that marriages are more challenged as you get older because the spark and desire is gone. You are just two old married folks but, affects happiness. In the end what I got from that is happiness is a moving target.
Jennifer Lopez is on the cover of this month's Harper Bazaar. In the article she talks about her life being private now something she learned from her current husband of three years, Marc Anthony. She also said that after two years straight of being in the tabloids she has learned to value pieces of life she can keep for herself like her pregnancy. What I read ( in between the lines) is she is happy. Jennifer is now 38.
The one thing the panel on "T.he T.oday S.how" never mentioned was peace. I believe through my own experiencing happiness comes with peace. Once you come to peace with the person in the mirror scars and all, the road that life has brought you on and the fact that you can actually choose what road you take. You find happiness.
It's hard to find happiness in your 20's you are still sorting out who you are and who you think you are. Measure that against who other people are telling you that you are. Well, that leads to a lot of angst. Not much happiness. All that youthful energy keeps you bound up and riled up. I watch Casanova Brown 10yrs my junior and sometimes I feel sad for him. Although, he has grown a lot in the last six months or so. I can see the makings of man. I also see the struggle of his youth. Still easily riled up. Still struggling with who he wants to be and the image that others have created for him that he feels obligated to live up to. Me. I don't care. You begin to stop caring at 30 by the time you hit 35 you realize that life has way to many challenges for you to add to it. By 37/38 you have been through enough that pieces of life you have survived and the moments of contentment you can experience is worth it's weight in goal. You find peace where you can because in those peaceful times you find happiness. Real happiness. Not associated with bank balances or material possessions. I think that is where Jennifer is.
I disagree with the "T.oday S.how" panelist who said as you get closer to 40 you give up on some of your dreams and you are okay with that. I believe you are able to identify which dreams are truly your own. Which ones will impact your life in the right way and those are the dreams that you pursue.
As far as being unhappy in your marriage. Well,I am not married officially. But, I can say this. I have a peace with my relationship that Casanova Brown doesn't have yet. I have let go of the school girl wishes of will he love me forever, analyzing his every actions and every word. I am ok with being honest with him about my needs and where he misses them. In addition, I don't feel like I have to apologize for the way I love someone or afraid that my love is not enough. I trust God that he will guide me in the area of the heart and the same time I pray I heed his direction when he provides them. I make no excuses for my body or my sexual desire. I don't sugarcoat how and where I want it. When trouble hits I don't brew and analyze it to death.Lately, I find myself working it out in my head and heart then letting him know where I am coming from.
I love him and us. But, can also accept that there may be a day when neither may exist.
I think all that is happiness. .. and peace. Everyday isn't happy. But, everyday I have happy moments. Really the goal is the happy moments to out weight the bad moments. Of course what made me happy today may not make me happy tomorrow. That's ok too. I don't have to make excuses for that either.
I should write "T.he T.oday S.how" and suggest the next time they do a segment on happiness they should have a panel of people who are actually experiencing it.
The panel surmised that happiness is easier to find after 35 because the closer you get to 40 you just accept that some dreams aren't coming true. You come to accept the challenges that life has thrown your way and you learn the art in finding happiness in simpler things. Sounds like a trip to pleasant hills retirement home to me. One panelist went on to say that marriages are more challenged as you get older because the spark and desire is gone. You are just two old married folks but, affects happiness. In the end what I got from that is happiness is a moving target.
Jennifer Lopez is on the cover of this month's Harper Bazaar. In the article she talks about her life being private now something she learned from her current husband of three years, Marc Anthony. She also said that after two years straight of being in the tabloids she has learned to value pieces of life she can keep for herself like her pregnancy. What I read ( in between the lines) is she is happy. Jennifer is now 38.
The one thing the panel on "T.he T.oday S.how" never mentioned was peace. I believe through my own experiencing happiness comes with peace. Once you come to peace with the person in the mirror scars and all, the road that life has brought you on and the fact that you can actually choose what road you take. You find happiness.
It's hard to find happiness in your 20's you are still sorting out who you are and who you think you are. Measure that against who other people are telling you that you are. Well, that leads to a lot of angst. Not much happiness. All that youthful energy keeps you bound up and riled up. I watch Casanova Brown 10yrs my junior and sometimes I feel sad for him. Although, he has grown a lot in the last six months or so. I can see the makings of man. I also see the struggle of his youth. Still easily riled up. Still struggling with who he wants to be and the image that others have created for him that he feels obligated to live up to. Me. I don't care. You begin to stop caring at 30 by the time you hit 35 you realize that life has way to many challenges for you to add to it. By 37/38 you have been through enough that pieces of life you have survived and the moments of contentment you can experience is worth it's weight in goal. You find peace where you can because in those peaceful times you find happiness. Real happiness. Not associated with bank balances or material possessions. I think that is where Jennifer is.
I disagree with the "T.oday S.how" panelist who said as you get closer to 40 you give up on some of your dreams and you are okay with that. I believe you are able to identify which dreams are truly your own. Which ones will impact your life in the right way and those are the dreams that you pursue.
As far as being unhappy in your marriage. Well,I am not married officially. But, I can say this. I have a peace with my relationship that Casanova Brown doesn't have yet. I have let go of the school girl wishes of will he love me forever, analyzing his every actions and every word. I am ok with being honest with him about my needs and where he misses them. In addition, I don't feel like I have to apologize for the way I love someone or afraid that my love is not enough. I trust God that he will guide me in the area of the heart and the same time I pray I heed his direction when he provides them. I make no excuses for my body or my sexual desire. I don't sugarcoat how and where I want it. When trouble hits I don't brew and analyze it to death.Lately, I find myself working it out in my head and heart then letting him know where I am coming from.
I love him and us. But, can also accept that there may be a day when neither may exist.
I think all that is happiness. .. and peace. Everyday isn't happy. But, everyday I have happy moments. Really the goal is the happy moments to out weight the bad moments. Of course what made me happy today may not make me happy tomorrow. That's ok too. I don't have to make excuses for that either.
I should write "T.he T.oday S.how" and suggest the next time they do a segment on happiness they should have a panel of people who are actually experiencing it.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
The Single Mother Shuffle
I sincerly try to make an effort to not allow myself to get caught up in the challenges of being a single mom. I don't allow myself to get caught up in the woes of why me or if their dad only stepped up to the plate. Overall, I am beyond grateful for all the ways that God allows my world to come together to make up for the fact that my children only have one active parent. I have even(at times) taken pride in how I seem to keep all the balls( well the most important ones) up in the air during my oh so truly skillful juggling act.
But, here lately. I seem to struggle with well all of it. Either there are more balls to keep up or they are getting heavier. The afterschool activities, orthodontist appointments, trips to the emergency room( we will talk about that later),homework and just plain living is getting a bit..
heavy. For the first time I really think since I have been a single mom I am wishing I had another parent. Let's be truthful I wish for another me.
I was talking to my mom yesterday and told her I wanted a wife. She corrected me quickly mind you and said I needed a nanny. Nope I said it right. I need a WIFE. A nanny you have to pay. A wife has to do all this ish for FREE.
The thing about being a single mother for me at least is this. Even if they can't equally carry the load that you do that is fine. But, it would be nice to occasionally have them fill in. You know a pinch hitter. Now that the divas are teens and pre-teens their social calendar is so busy. They always want to go somewhere and when there isn't somewhere they want to got. There is defintely someplace they need to go. Hair appointments, trips to the store, friends house, school games all of that. I actually fantasize about doing NADA.
I could always complain that life isnt' allowing me time for me but , that isn't even my issue. The more I think about it I am sure there are plenty of non single mom with the same grip. I have. I think it was getting up at 5 today and making a 7:3.0 ortho appt working 9 hrs.. shopping for school dance outfits after work..to find out one outfit is too big. So as soon as I sign off I will be sewing in the waist because the store only had two and the I know the other one was to small for
her..
Sorry, this wasn't the best post. I just needed to vent.
But, here lately. I seem to struggle with well all of it. Either there are more balls to keep up or they are getting heavier. The afterschool activities, orthodontist appointments, trips to the emergency room( we will talk about that later),homework and just plain living is getting a bit..
heavy. For the first time I really think since I have been a single mom I am wishing I had another parent. Let's be truthful I wish for another me.
I was talking to my mom yesterday and told her I wanted a wife. She corrected me quickly mind you and said I needed a nanny. Nope I said it right. I need a WIFE. A nanny you have to pay. A wife has to do all this ish for FREE.
The thing about being a single mother for me at least is this. Even if they can't equally carry the load that you do that is fine. But, it would be nice to occasionally have them fill in. You know a pinch hitter. Now that the divas are teens and pre-teens their social calendar is so busy. They always want to go somewhere and when there isn't somewhere they want to got. There is defintely someplace they need to go. Hair appointments, trips to the store, friends house, school games all of that. I actually fantasize about doing NADA.
I could always complain that life isnt' allowing me time for me but , that isn't even my issue. The more I think about it I am sure there are plenty of non single mom with the same grip. I have. I think it was getting up at 5 today and making a 7:3.0 ortho appt working 9 hrs.. shopping for school dance outfits after work..to find out one outfit is too big. So as soon as I sign off I will be sewing in the waist because the store only had two and the I know the other one was to small for
her..
Sorry, this wasn't the best post. I just needed to vent.
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!
Happy 2008 to you!!!!!!!!!
This will be a short post because I am still feeling the effects of ringing in the New Year.
You know the old wives tale. What you were doing at the stroke of midnight is what you will be doing for the next year.
If that is true were you careful about how you chose to ring in the New Year?
So question for you:
What were you doing at the stroke of midnight? How did you welcome in 2008?
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
My weave makes me itch!!!
I was going to save my return to the blogging world for New Year's Eve and some deep reflection of my incredible, roller coaster of a year. But, then my weave started itching. Or, to be more specific my very dry, Sahara like flaky scalp under my weave started to itch. Trying my best to ignore the itch and fight the urge to pull it off ( hard to do with a sew in) and throw it across the office at an unsuspecting co-worker I forced my mind to focus on other things. In turn, I accidentally sent myself into deep and reminiscent thought. ..Hold on I'm scratchin.
This year 2007 has been truly my year of growth. I can't remember when if ever I have come to the end of a year just feeling grateful and full of joy. This year I got my smile back and my hope back. I exhaled. I stayed on my knees in prayer learning how to have a relationship with God. I lost a lot emotionally, and materially and gained even more.
Like the codes in The Matrix I can feel my life come together and click in, make sense and I am finding my way. Remember that quote from Diary Of Mad Black Woman"
I am find myself. That's it. I am finding myself." Maybe,even that's not true. I can't honestly say I know the woman I am becoming but I like her.
She is grateful for every tear shed and even feel the horrible bout of heartbreak experienced this year played an amazing part in healing some past hurts.
What doesn't kill you indeed makes you stronger!!!
There were some definite tragedies this year. This year I alone I attended more funerals than I have my entire 37 yrs of life. Death indeed left his calling card
everywhere. He didn't care. I experience lost of people I cared for in the prime of their life all the way to the dusk of the years. Everything from sudden unexplainable sickness to taken life in their own hands and cutting it short by choice. Of course, the loss of my friend Kim who committed suicide hit me the hardest. I think of her daily. I will never forgot what it felt like to pack up her house, to get rid of her things. To stare at the bullet hole in the wall...to clean the blood from her carpet. To try to forget her scent, her laugh her smile and beautiful green eyes. But, I thank her. It was watching her fight with depression and not being able to find a way out besides death that moved me to different choices. To refuse to give in to depression and life woes and fight back.
Fight back I did.
I still have a long way to go. But, I am on my way. I learned where truth and strength comes from. When I feel weak or as if I am drifting or disconnected. I now know what it means to close the door and spend a little quality time with my Father!!!
My children are growing and healthy. Their father joined the military(hey guaranteed child support!!), I love my new job with unlimited overtime and opportunity!!! If you are wondering if Casanova Brown is around still and yes he is. Even there things are good.
With all that I am happy to see 2007 to go. According to the bible 8 is the number of new beginnings. 7 is the number of completions. I am confident in saying I closed a lot of chapters and let a lot go in 07. I no longer feel like I am recovering from life's ..well life. But, instead I am writing a new book altogether.
I have a lot planned for 08. I plan to get my luxury or semi luxury car by my birthday!! I will keep you posted on what wins out.. right now we are looking at BMW's...Benz's or Audi's(they have a good performance record).
I pray a peaceful transition into the New Year for everyone. If you have not yet brought you chapters to an end. Do so before 12/31 so you can embrace
08 THE OFFICIAL YEAR OF NEW BEGINNINGS!!!
BE BLESSED... SEE YOU IN 8!!
This year 2007 has been truly my year of growth. I can't remember when if ever I have come to the end of a year just feeling grateful and full of joy. This year I got my smile back and my hope back. I exhaled. I stayed on my knees in prayer learning how to have a relationship with God. I lost a lot emotionally, and materially and gained even more.
Like the codes in The Matrix I can feel my life come together and click in, make sense and I am finding my way. Remember that quote from Diary Of Mad Black Woman"
I am find myself. That's it. I am finding myself." Maybe,even that's not true. I can't honestly say I know the woman I am becoming but I like her.
She is grateful for every tear shed and even feel the horrible bout of heartbreak experienced this year played an amazing part in healing some past hurts.
What doesn't kill you indeed makes you stronger!!!
There were some definite tragedies this year. This year I alone I attended more funerals than I have my entire 37 yrs of life. Death indeed left his calling card
everywhere. He didn't care. I experience lost of people I cared for in the prime of their life all the way to the dusk of the years. Everything from sudden unexplainable sickness to taken life in their own hands and cutting it short by choice. Of course, the loss of my friend Kim who committed suicide hit me the hardest. I think of her daily. I will never forgot what it felt like to pack up her house, to get rid of her things. To stare at the bullet hole in the wall...to clean the blood from her carpet. To try to forget her scent, her laugh her smile and beautiful green eyes. But, I thank her. It was watching her fight with depression and not being able to find a way out besides death that moved me to different choices. To refuse to give in to depression and life woes and fight back.
Fight back I did.
I still have a long way to go. But, I am on my way. I learned where truth and strength comes from. When I feel weak or as if I am drifting or disconnected. I now know what it means to close the door and spend a little quality time with my Father!!!
My children are growing and healthy. Their father joined the military(hey guaranteed child support!!), I love my new job with unlimited overtime and opportunity!!! If you are wondering if Casanova Brown is around still and yes he is. Even there things are good.
With all that I am happy to see 2007 to go. According to the bible 8 is the number of new beginnings. 7 is the number of completions. I am confident in saying I closed a lot of chapters and let a lot go in 07. I no longer feel like I am recovering from life's ..well life. But, instead I am writing a new book altogether.
I have a lot planned for 08. I plan to get my luxury or semi luxury car by my birthday!! I will keep you posted on what wins out.. right now we are looking at BMW's...Benz's or Audi's(they have a good performance record).
I pray a peaceful transition into the New Year for everyone. If you have not yet brought you chapters to an end. Do so before 12/31 so you can embrace
08 THE OFFICIAL YEAR OF NEW BEGINNINGS!!!
BE BLESSED... SEE YOU IN 8!!
Been gone to long!!!
I have been out of the blogging world for awhile. Well, quite awhile. But, things have been good.. Well, great even.
However, this is just a teaser. I will return to full on blogging come the New Year. If, time permits I may even get a chance to do a wrap up of a very CRAZY 2007!!
However, this is just a teaser. I will return to full on blogging come the New Year. If, time permits I may even get a chance to do a wrap up of a very CRAZY 2007!!
Thursday, August 30, 2007
I had some problems.. and no one could seem to solve them.
Right before, I turned white in the 80's(stop acting like I was the only one) I was black with a bubble gum trim.
I will never forget my very first real grown up like concert. It was Luther Vandross's Busy Body tour featuring Debarge. I remember it like it was yesterday and my curl was freshly done, extra springy with those spaces in between from the rods.
Anywoo, that night I fell in love with the soulful sounds of Eldra Debarge. He was far prettier than any man should be with beautiful black blow dried, spritz and curled hair. He was lovely. Oh his smile his smile. His 1000 watt baby tooth riding smile just melted my little 13 yr old heart. I remember thinking "I like it" must have been written by some musical genius with it's flow of poetic lyrics:
I like it.
I like it
I really, really like it.
Adore it
I'm for it
Now come let me enjoy it.
Oh, El. I became a woman that night. My love affair with El continued long past "Rhythm of the Night" and "Who's Johnny". A superstar before his time that is what Eldra was to me.
As an adult he had become the soundtrack to my own adult activities when he sang lead on Quincy Jones' Secret Garden. Who could forget his "OH..OH. we. Oh we. baby". The poor boys that fell victim to that song. OH, Anywoo..
After that I flirted with other light skinneded singers. Christopher Williams, I even had a fling with Chico Debarge. But, none of them held a candle to my Eldra. Oh my Eldra. How he Loved me in a special way.
So I was totally dismayed to find out that my sweet Eldra has come across super duper hard times and has been ARRESTED. YES, arrested.http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070830/ap_en_mu/people_el_debarge
My poor sensitive man is now in the slammer. It makes me sad. What happened to him? It seems like there are enough Debarge's to populate a small country. Please someone tell me why NONE of them could avoid the evils of drugs.
The music business must be a real bitch. It seems that weekly I am reading how some once superstar artist is all cracked out, and hooking it up on someone's main street. I just don't understand with all the crap we listen to today why these musicians who had legit talent aren't being swooped up, dusted off , sobered up and signed. Who can hold a candle to El Debarge today? He may have been girly but he could sing AND write. How in the hell does he not have money when it seems like EVERY Debarge track is the baseline for every good rap song Diddy has ever produced. Diddy alone should bail El out. Sober him up and buy him a house and a ride.
All jokes aside it makes me sad to know those with true talent are all just Eddie Cain's waiting to happen. Will we hear rumors of Chris Brown in 20 yrs being methed out and living in a box wearing old Michael Jackson jackets and pop locking on Venice Beach? We keep sending these fools to rehab that don't want to go, go , go. How about those who would gladly go for one time in the spot light.
So with a heavy heart El joins the ranks of Tevin Campbell, D'Angelo and whoever else you can think of or can't think of until they show up on a mug shot and a gossip blog.
To those in the music industry Instead of living high off their baselines and hooks. Look them up and hook them up. They are the ones that gave you your fake ass career to begin with. And, who knows you just may stop it from being you ...20 yrs from now.
Let's talk about 7-8 and 9
I have been wildly entertained by folks antics this week. I feel the need to share my insight and random (sometimes unnecessary thoughts) on what is really going on in the world.Let's talk about this dude. Travis Henry Denver Bronco's #20. As a resident of Denver and a female I feel it is necessary that I share this story with the public. Women in Denver must be aware of his ummm"numbers" . We must avoid at all cost being added to his umm"team". Mr. Henry made nationwide news this week because simply because at the age of 28 he has managed to procreate with 9 different women resulting in 9 different children spread across 4 southern states. He is making a little team of his own. Dare I say a new league. The TFL maybe? Wow.. yea. Let that sink in for a minute. Apparently, Mr. Henry believed when God's commandment to populate the earth was personal request to him alone. And, it only fitting that this story came to light because he has failed to pay child support. Which I totally understand. Clearly, if this brother pays child support and properly supports all 9 of his offspring he would be flat broke. There is no NFL contract in the world that properly support his little football team in the making.
Let's dig deeper shall we. First, it clear Mr. Henry likes to "get around" and do so unprotected. I shudder at the thought of the possible STD cocktail he could be brewing in jock strap. The team attendant should refuse to wash his anything. Demanding he take his stuff home to be washed.
Here are my major concerns about this:
- He has not repeat offenders. He doesn't have two with one chick and three with the other. No stories of long term relationships or marriages. NOPE, nine chicks, nine kids. Brotha' is taking hitting and quitting to a whole 'nother level.
- Then I think about the ones he sexed and didn't use protection and by the grace of God did not get pregnant. I get sick at the thought of the numbers.
- How many I can't use condom excuses can you have at the age of 28. Did he tell each of them a different one. 1. I can't find one big enough 2. It broke 3. I am allergic...dang I run out after three. Maybe, that was the problem.
Then I think about the women:
- I can see 1 and 2
- I will excuse 3 maybe 4( but that is shaky)
- but 4,5 and 6 need a firm conversation. When you ask a brother especially a brotha you hooked up with that plays pro..any sport his history. Isn't one of your questions How many kids do you have? Strike that. I would hope that when you interview any candidate you are even remotely considering sharing your good with "How many kids do you have?" And, when he said 3,4,5..why didn't they say " Hell naw, we can't even hold hands and we sure as HELL can't do it without protection".
- Then there is 7,8 and 9. They just don't have no damn excuse at all. No damn excuse.
WOMEN OF DENVER. WE MUST UNITE AND REFUSE TO HELP THIS BROTHER ROUND OUT HIS TEAM..LEAGUE.. I MEAN FAMILY TO AN EVEN NUMBER OF 10. I am sure he dying to spread his seeds in the western states. But, we can show him we are smarter than that.
Seriously, this is pure non sense. I blame not only Mr. Henry but the women he procreated with. His game can't be that tight and there can't be that many women looking at getting knocked up by a pro baller like getting a winning scratch ticket. (I stand corrected apparently there are 9 that have come across Travis Henry's path alone). I am outraged and appalled. I am also embarrassed for him because he ain't got enough damn sense to be embarrassed for himself. I hope he has learned. According to news reports all 9 mommas are lawyering up and seeking support which means it could result in 9 different lawyers across several jurisdictions. To me that all equals a big = Broke sign. Enjoy your new 100,000 chain and your new 100,000 car Mr. Henry. Seems like that may be your LAST taste of luxury for minute. I bet you wish you had spent 10.00 on some condoms now.
Well, I am done. I need to and put on my TRAVIS HENRY IS MY BABY DADDY'S SHIRT.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
MEN THE NEW WOMEN
I saw this commercial the other day for one of the new shows debuting on ABC’s fall line up. In the commercial a group of men are sitting around sharing their individual relationship drama. Then one of the men lifts their glasses to make a toast and announces
“To men.. the new women”.
LOL.. Hell ya!! Men are the new women. I am glad somebody out there knows that besides me. Men are caddy, whinny, self centered, moody and complainers. Their emotions change like the spin of the wheel on Wheel Of Fortune. They always want to talk about some crap and the conversation in the end gets nowhere. What did we spend all that time yapping for if it’s just to stay in the same freaking spot we have been in.
Today Casanova Brown actually said “Lately, you have not been making me feel wanted.” When in the hell did it become my job to make a grown MAN.. I repeat MAN feel wanted?
“To men.. the new women”.
LOL.. Hell ya!! Men are the new women. I am glad somebody out there knows that besides me. Men are caddy, whinny, self centered, moody and complainers. Their emotions change like the spin of the wheel on Wheel Of Fortune. They always want to talk about some crap and the conversation in the end gets nowhere. What did we spend all that time yapping for if it’s just to stay in the same freaking spot we have been in.
Today Casanova Brown actually said “Lately, you have not been making me feel wanted.” When in the hell did it become my job to make a grown MAN.. I repeat MAN feel wanted?
What do I look like making sure I validate your sensitive feelings you gun toting, hard core, I’ll take a bullet to the chest any day thug. I don’t have time for that. If you are going out then take your ass out. Have good time. I am not going to call and see where you at. For what? You know where you live. What it makes you feel wanted when the others fools women are blowing up their phones asking to them to come home if you were experiencing the same? In the immortal words of CrackHead Whitney..“Hell Naw”.
A man is a man period. His job is to make me feel like a woman. PERIOD. It is not to act like you too have a PERIOD. Dude, at any given time I have THREE little girls in my house. I don’t need anymore estrogen induced emotional roller coasters. I can barely deal with my own.
I don’t want to talk about why you think I fucked up. Just fix it. Lecture me ok. I can do a lecture or two occasionally. But, fix it. I should never have to call you pick me up if I need a ride. Aren’t you the freaking man? Why are you running around with a constant male side kick? Is this your very best girlfriend? Because, I stopped kicking it like that with my inseparable fake cousin when I left HIGH SCHOOL. Now , that shit is just gay and immature.
Urrghh!! What we got into an argument and I hurt your feelings? What are you doing over there in that corner? Licking wounds? What the hell? What happened to manning up?I don’t get it. I wish I did. They don’t make them like they use to is a real understatement. I also realize that this particular problem is not age specific either.
OH. How about their level of gossiping. When I listen to Cassie talk to his boys about the other folks in the posse that aren’t there. MAN… he can far out do any gossip I thought I could conjure up. He can talk about some body dirty draws.. like they were dirty draws and kick it and drink with them that very same night. Like he never said a dang on thing.
I think he gets a hard on at the whisper of some he-say-she say shit going down. It’s not just him I have several girlfriends whose HUSBANDS are the exact same way. AND
Do you know this fool told me I had to stay pretty.. because… he is pretty. BECAUSE HE IS PRETTY…. YES BECAUSE HE IS PRETTY. My girlfriends and I can all talk about our significant others that take longer to get dressed than we do. Yea!!
I LOVE MEN. I really do for as long as I can remember. But, I miss men being men. I miss men being man enough to let me be the woman. I miss men being men enough to put me first to not let me want for anything. Because, men are to provide and protect. I miss men that make women fell wanted, who don’t share feelings and refuse to cry. I miss men who love that I am soft and I smell good not comparing if there skin is as soft as mine(damn metro sexuals). I miss men being manly all the time and the definition of being manly is not you telling me what to do and screwing other women. I am tired of men getting their definition of “being a man” from straight to video black films, rap and music videos.
Maybe, it’s a sign of the times. Maybe, it’s ALL the men being raised by single mothers, grandmothers and big sisters. It’s true a woman cannot teach a man to be a man. And that is why God didn’t not bless me with a son.
I will say it again. I LOVE MEN. I EVEN LOVE MY MAN DEARLY. But, I so dearly miss( can you miss what you have never have) or want to be treated, respected, like a man should. A real man and not the new woman.
I don’t want to talk about why you think I fucked up. Just fix it. Lecture me ok. I can do a lecture or two occasionally. But, fix it. I should never have to call you pick me up if I need a ride. Aren’t you the freaking man? Why are you running around with a constant male side kick? Is this your very best girlfriend? Because, I stopped kicking it like that with my inseparable fake cousin when I left HIGH SCHOOL. Now , that shit is just gay and immature.
Urrghh!! What we got into an argument and I hurt your feelings? What are you doing over there in that corner? Licking wounds? What the hell? What happened to manning up?I don’t get it. I wish I did. They don’t make them like they use to is a real understatement. I also realize that this particular problem is not age specific either.
OH. How about their level of gossiping. When I listen to Cassie talk to his boys about the other folks in the posse that aren’t there. MAN… he can far out do any gossip I thought I could conjure up. He can talk about some body dirty draws.. like they were dirty draws and kick it and drink with them that very same night. Like he never said a dang on thing.
I think he gets a hard on at the whisper of some he-say-she say shit going down. It’s not just him I have several girlfriends whose HUSBANDS are the exact same way. AND
Do you know this fool told me I had to stay pretty.. because… he is pretty. BECAUSE HE IS PRETTY…. YES BECAUSE HE IS PRETTY. My girlfriends and I can all talk about our significant others that take longer to get dressed than we do. Yea!!
I LOVE MEN. I really do for as long as I can remember. But, I miss men being men. I miss men being man enough to let me be the woman. I miss men being men enough to put me first to not let me want for anything. Because, men are to provide and protect. I miss men that make women fell wanted, who don’t share feelings and refuse to cry. I miss men who love that I am soft and I smell good not comparing if there skin is as soft as mine(damn metro sexuals). I miss men being manly all the time and the definition of being manly is not you telling me what to do and screwing other women. I am tired of men getting their definition of “being a man” from straight to video black films, rap and music videos.
Maybe, it’s a sign of the times. Maybe, it’s ALL the men being raised by single mothers, grandmothers and big sisters. It’s true a woman cannot teach a man to be a man. And that is why God didn’t not bless me with a son.
I will say it again. I LOVE MEN. I EVEN LOVE MY MAN DEARLY. But, I so dearly miss( can you miss what you have never have) or want to be treated, respected, like a man should. A real man and not the new woman.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Look What God Can Do
My rent is paid.. almost( well I wont' be evicted)
My girls made it to school with some new clothes and supplies.
My new potential job to called to verify references. (offer on the way!!)
Today was a roller coaster of emotions. But, he handled it all with grace...and mercy..
I am humbled. LOOK WHAT GOD CAN DO
Friday, August 17, 2007
Sometimes I forget.. but today he reminded me..
God is good.....all the time
Mark 11:24 (New International Version)
Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.
Thank you Lord for reminding me who you truly are.
Mark 11:24 (New International Version)Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.
Thank you Lord for reminding me who you truly are.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
I FOUND MY ANTHEM
Jill Scott is awesome.
Her new song is right on time. Right on time. Check out the You Tube Link.
Her new song is right on time. Right on time. Check out the You Tube Link.
Thursday, August 09, 2007
He May Be A Child Molester But Damn Can He Inspire Greatness
I needed some inspriation in my life today. Not Godly inspiration but, I can do anything kind of inspriration. While listening to my R. Kelly collection I came across this one. Now I feel like I can do any damn thing.. I .. I believe I Can Fly...
"R. Kelly - The World's Greatest"
I am a mountain
I am a tall tree
Ohhh, I am a swift wind
Sweepin' the country
I am a river
Down in the valley
Ohhh, I am a vision
And I can see clearly
If anybody asks u who I am
Just stand up tall look 'em in the Face and say
[Chorus]
I'm that star up in the sky
I'm that mountain peak up high
I made it
I'm the worlds greatest
And I'm that little bit of hope
When my backs against the ropes
I can feel it mmm
I'm the worlds greatest
I am a giant
I am an eagle
I am a lion
Down in the jungle
I am a marchin' band
I am the people
I am a helpin' hand
And I am a hero
If anybody asks u who I am
Just stand up tall look 'em in the Face and say
[Chorus]
I'm that star up in the sky
I'm that mountain peak up high
I made it
I'm the worlds greatest
And I'm that little bit of hope
When my backs against the ropes
I can feel it
I'm the worlds greatest
[Choir sings with R Kelly]
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
How do you know when it's a blessing?
How do you know when something laid out before you is a blessing or a "curse" in disguise. Or is just about what you make it. In the end can it all be a blessing depending on what you do with the situation?
Early this morning Casanova Brown's job up the anti in the original offer they made him to come back home. In addition, to that they added a "we need you ASAP" just to add a little pressure to the decision making process. Hours later I had a job interview(something I had committed to prior to truly committing to the move). The interview went really well. When discussing salary the offer was more than I expected, much more. Enough to significantly change my financial outlook " like right now" as Cassie would say. Hmmmphhh.. Now what? In a matter hours by us just saying the words we can go from the poor house to the living in the manner we both knew so well. BUT, it would all have to go down here at home. So we will still have to contend with his family, my family, both of our exes, the winter weather etc. The stuff we were getting away from. All the excitement that comes with a fresh start is quickly fizzling in the wind.
So is this a blessing or curse? Is this one of those time when you say "this is bigger than money it's about the integrity of our relationship and our plans for the future" OR "we can do here what we was going to do there because it's in the end it's about US.. our family?"
Truth is I am going to take the offer. I have to cover my behind. The job market is scary and I have a kid going to college in four short years. He will probably take the job as well because truly it will only further his " living like a baller" lifestyle he likes to perpetrate.
So instead of questioning this I should just thank God for being God. Now it's up to me and him to prove what we are really about and make it work. No matter where the locale.
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